How Not To Be A Douche

The fastest way to get rid of your douchebaggery and become the good human you were meant to be is to be nicer. But nice can be hard to achieve for some people, especially when the world seems bent on bringing out the worst in you. Regardless of how hard you try, you manage to miss the mark.

Now you've been called a douchebag. This could be because you’ve been a jerk to one or more people. Or perhaps you’ve just had a bad week, you’re sick of the universe taking a big crap on you, and you’ve decided to spread that love to your fellow man — either way, you’ve earned a title you don’t want, but you don’t know how to get rid of it.

Step 1. Random act of kindness.

There are three things a douchebag never does.

1. Puts away shopping carts.

2. Merges correctly by letting one merging car go ahead of them.

3. Has something nice to say.

The first step to not being a jerk means doing one of the above three things. Don’t leave your shopping cart in front of the car next to you. When you’re driving, let one merging car over. You’re not going to get to your destination any faster if you drive by them. Start saying randomly nice things to strangers and the people you call friends and family.

Then you might want to kick it up a notch by buying the coffee of the person behind you. For extra points, do it on a Monday when you’re running late, and the person in front of you has never been to a Starbucks in their life and has no idea what they want.

Step 2. Stop thinking you are the only person in the world.

A douchebag believes that they are the only person that exists in the world. They are the person in front of you when you’re trying to pull into that parking spot that is next to theirs, but they are on their phone. They wind up taking their own sweet time, and you have to sit there, waiting, like you have nothing else better to do.

A different approach would be to be mindful of those around you. Those people you currently think are there to take up space in the Truman Show that is your life. Don’t talk on your phone loudly in public spaces. Let someone with fewer items go in front of you in the check-out line. Because we both know you’re not in a rush to get home, anyway.

Be mindful of your neighbors. Don’t be the jerk who is playing their music too loud in the evenings. Don’t be the guy that drives 55mph through a neighborhood filled with kids like it’s their birthright.

You need to begin to internalize the idea that you are not the only person who exists in this world. That it is possible for other people to have wants and desires that run counter to giving you what you want, and that’s okay. We can all live well together and still get what we want by practicing a little give and take.

Step 3. Don’t be an attention whore.

The best way to lose friends and alienate people is to practice the fine art of always having to be the center of attention. No one likes that person. We humor them, and as soon as they are gone, we talk about them horrendously. A very douche baggy thing to do, but it’s well earned.

It’s perfectly fine to let someone else bask in the limelight occasionally. I promise you that you won’t die from the lack of attention. If you’re lucky enough to have friends that don’t find you completely offensive, let one of them take the reins. We don’t always have to go to the places you enjoy. Life doesn’t have to exist on your timetable.

It’s not hard to be a good human. It will probably be the easiest thing you’ve ever done. Once you get into the habit of recognizing that there are 7.5 billion people in the world who are all just trying to live a happy, douchebag free life, you’ll be alright. You’ll become that person that others want to be around, and they won’t mind giving you their undivided attention because you’re a good human who is well liked by their peers.

It isn’t the ups and downs that make life difficult. It’s the jerks – Charlie Chaplin