Things You Can't Say seven

Well, the movie is as terrible as I expect it to be. The whole thing feels like it’s just supposed to be some kind of torture porn. Or something to that effect. As all that happens is pain and misery to me.  Sure, the guy in the movie isn’t exactly an angel. But the things that had happened to him feel over the top. Just thanks to the way that she messed with this guy’s head. Along with the other terrible things that she had done. Hurting people. Murdering them as well. Like her best friend that her boyfriend cheated on her with. It was terrifying to see crap that was on screen. I’m no stranger to violent horror movies. But this movie wasn’t up my alley at all. The number of terrible things she had done were outright disgusting to watch. The way she killed that poor innocent rat.

It was hideous to watch.

This movie was just too disturbing in my book. Way too disturbing. I’m not even sure why the Hell Master enjoys this movie. It’s so much freakiness. Looking at it, I felt my stomach twist as I lay there. Unsure of what to make of Master’s love for this terrible movie. God, I don’t understand anything that is going on in that head of his. Nor do I really want to know. It’s just too terrifying for me to be able to even begin to understand. Trying to stay still I watched as the movie slowly started to end. How the Hell has my life come to this? I’ve truthfully never pictured myself in a position like this. A position where I would have no power at all. Completely naked for some creepy asshole that might physically punish me if I don’t act how he wants. All I ever pictured for myself was getting a low-level job anywhere at any store. Maybe having an apartment. Though I’m not entirely sure if I could have ever been able to afford that. But I deserved a chance to be able to get those kinds of things on my own at least.

Maybe with some help from someone that I trusted.

Anything other than wearing these gross fetish gear. That is sort of comfortable but not entirely so. It feels so dehumanizing. I know that is the whole point of the gear, butt-plug tail, and collar. Being naked is on a whole level of disturbing as I can’t keep myself comfortably warm enough. Along with the whole fact that he was holding me on his lap the way he is. Touching me ever so gently to keep me calm. Like I’m some kind of fragile creature or something. Well, I guess to him I am a fragile creature made from very thin glass. Or something to that effect. Nevertheless, I’m not in a good place. Nor am I with someone that I could ever consider safe. Bare naked. Almost bare naked? At any rate I’m very vulnerable in this situation. Not sure if anyone else can really agree with me about this but I don’t care.

All I care about is the fact that I’m stuck with this asshole. For who knows how long. And watching anything that he wants to watch. Right now, I wish that he had been watching that creepy anime. The one with the terrible boob physics for those teenagers. Anything. Anything at all would be better than this. Even having to spend time with that dog guy and his captor. Dog guy and his captor. His possible captor. I was surprised that my mind had drifted over to them at all. Then again it probably was thanks to the terrible movie that Master was so engrossed in. Barely paying attention to me as he did so. I suppose that’s a blessing in disguise. Master isn’t trying to make me like anything or asking me any weird questions at all. A strange thought ran through my head as I glanced up at him. What if he had an interest in that terrible woman?

Somehow, I found myself jealous of the idea. Jealous of the mere thought that he might want that woman. It was so very confusing for me as I lay there. Why would Master being in a relationship with her make me jealous? This shouldn’t bother me the slightest bit. Yet here I was jealous. So very jealous. Good lord what the fuck is wrong with me. To get my mind off it I looked at the T.V. I really wish that I hadn’t. As the ending makes me freeze in place. That horribly freaky woman had managed to get herself free and slit his throat. Sure, it would be perfect if it weren’t for the fact she’s a killer. A worse killer than this stalker guy had been. I would have been rooting for the fact that she got free. It is something that I want to do after all. My eyes go wide as the movie keeps going on from this terrible thing. Chewing my bottom lip as the scene goes from that terrible scene to a completely normal one. This girl acted normal around her obviously cheating boyfriend. When she was done with him, she went to find her former captor.

Telling him that she nearly hurt her cheating boyfriend. But she managed to hold herself back. That if it weren’t for him that she would have killed him. Thanking him for allowing her to torture him the way she had. His face was so horrific that I gagged a few times at the sight. So badly that I could practically taste the food on the back of my tongue. This was one of the most disgusting thing I have seen in a long time. Tears streamed down my face at the sight of him. While I lay in Master’s lap feeling terrified and disgusted, Master quickly turned off the show. Petting my back as I involuntarily pictured myself in that state. In so much pain and fear that it made me sick. I am unable to stop myself from whimpering while I watched him turn the movie off. Petting me gently as he held me closer to his chest. In a gentle voice, he cooed,”Shhh, Princess. It’s okay, the movie is over now.”

“Master is so sorry that he scared you this way.”,he added. Petting my sides and back with the utmost care. Being gentler than he had been at the vet’s office. Though he had been gentle there, too. It felt like I was being treated like a child…I shouldn’t be surprised by any of this. I shouldn’t be surprised by any of what he is doing to me at all. Yet here I am still surprised by every action he does. Every single word that he says as well. But I tried to keep my composure while I lay there. Unable to keep myself calm as I stared at Master. Quietly, he sighed,”I should have put on a cartoon instead of this.”

“Or at least something that’s nowhere near as bloody or gory as this one is.”,he admitted to me. Which was something that I wasn’t expecting him to do. It made me nod slightly in agreement. Not more than that as I feared angering him. The punishments that he might do to me if I didn’t do as he wanted. Which I was too scared to want to ever picture in the slightest bit. Taking a few deep breaths, I wished he had picked something that was a whole lot nicer. Maybe a less gory horror movie? The idea of a less gory horror movie would be good. Like something that wasn’t as disturbing as this one. Maybe just some old horror movies like Friday the Thirteenth or something? My mind was way too frazzled for me to think of one.

I know that there are some out there. But they weren’t coming to mind in that moment as I sat there.

“Babygirl is there anything else that you would want to watch?”,he asked me. A question that surprised me. As he saw me as a pet instead of a fellow human being. I mean the way that Master treats me…why would he care if there was something that I wanted to watch at all? Who cares about the opinion of a pet like me? When that thought came through my mind, I immediately chastised myself. Why was I thinking of myself that way? Just why couldn’t I see myself as anything more an animal anymore? We are both human beings and I need to recognize myself as such. And I also need to broach this subject with caution. If I don’t say something that Master might like, I’m sure I’ll get punished. And I don’t want to think of what that would entail. Whether it’s starvation or worse, I don’t want to let my mind linger on that. Instead, I just think for a few seconds of what I want to watch. Timidly, I answered,”Princess would prefer stuff like Monty Python, Master.”

“She’s much more interested in comedies than she is in horror.”,I explained myself. Horror isn’t a terrible genre. In fact, I used to somewhat like it. Right now, I would rather not watch it thanks to this. To the actual horror that I’ve been living with for the past few days. Movies or T.V shows are a little too close to this. I could use some comedy to take my mind off the whole thing. Especially anything that isn’t like this disturbing movie. Even watching a fly run into the window is better than this. Nodding his head, Master stated,”I see that, baby.”

“And I promise that we’re going to watch something like that in a little bit.”,he vowed. The way that he said it made me feel strangely better. It was kind of weird to me. How quickly can he calm me down without doing much. It would have made me shudder if I wasn’t trying to not anger him. Or if he wasn’t such a damn monster. That I would be afraid of him hurting me. I was slowly relaxing in his grasp as he started petting me once more. In a gentle voice, he assured,”Master is so sorry that he made you watch this. It was so inconsiderate of him.”

“Do you forgive him?”,he asked me. Looking at me with an apologetic grin. Scratching the back of my ear again. In a spot that was just so nice, and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling a little bit. It was hard for me to feel angry at him at this moment for whatever reason. It was like he knew this would cool my anger. Leaning into his touch, I happily sighed. I stated,”It’s okay, Master. Princess forgives you.”

I’m so angry at myself for being so damn easily content. So easily placated by his utter bullshit. Why am I so damn pathetically weak now? I’m not entirely sure if I’m even really pretending anymore. Pretending to be whatever the Hell he wants from me? Whatever he’ll continue to want from me? It’s disturbing to know that my mind has already slipped away from me so quickly. So quickly that it freaked me out. It’s only been about 48 hours and here I was, sunken into the role. This is going to be something that I’m going to have to take care of later. I wasn’t going to let me lose myself more than I already have. Though I wasn’t too sure if I was going to get myself back or not.

I hoped so.

Master continued to scratch behind my ear. Then my other ear with a small smile on his face. One that grew a little bit more. It felt so strange being happy with this. And I tried my best to shove these feelings down. I tried to shove everything that hurt and made my brain feel disgusted as well. It wasn’t easy to ignore it, but I managed to the best of my ability. All of this was just too damn much for me to handle. In so many ways. I leaned a little more into Master’s touch. Despite how angry I am with myself. Both of us sit in silence as the credits roll. Taking a few deep breaths as I finally fully relaxed in Master’s grasp. A few minutes later, Master asked,”Hey, Princess. What do you want to have for dinner tonight?”

“He feels that it’s only fair that you get to pick this time around.”,he explained. Which seemed odd to me in a way. What did it matter what I wanted for dinner? After all I’m nothing more than a lowly pet. To him. To him I am nothing more than a lowly pet. Not to myself. Not at all. There’s no way in Hell that I think I am a lowly pet. No way that I’m going to allow myself to continue to think of myself as nothing more than a mindless animal. Looking at Master, I thought it over for a bit. It was something that I deserved after the day that I had. After being prodded and filled with whatever that was. I’m still not sure what that greasy vet gave me. A memory that I didn’t want to think of as I tried to think of what I wanted to eat next. It has been a while since I’ve really had something that I really love. So, I mulled this question over for a minute or two. Then I answered,”Princess would really like some lasagna, Master. If that’s alright with you. She hasn’t had it in a couple of years.”

Somewhat of an exaggeration. It has been something that I haven’t had in a good long while. Maybe two months or so? Days kind of blur together. But I’m sure that’s right in the realm of how long it has been. As I can’t remember how long it has been since I’ve been at my sister’s place. That was the last time I had a good bed to sleep on. Either way I have been craving it like crazy. And now seems like the best time to get a good plate of it. Master is…Master isn’t kind, brain. Since he’s offering I can at least a decent meal out of him. Right now, he seems to be pondering my words. Pretending to at the very least. Nodding his head as he held his chin in one hand. Looking thoughtful as he weighed my words. Gently, he cooed,”Well, Master has been craving something like that for a while now.”

“He supposes that he could even make us garlic bread to go with it.”,he added. That sounded like something that I would really like. As it had been a while since I’ve had that either. Master is sort of…God, how pathetic do I have to be to be grateful for that kind of thing from my captor? Instead of allowing myself to linger on this, I cuddled up tighter to Master instead. Smiling a bit wider than I had been before. Sitting a little more upright to plant a kiss on his cheek. Hating the way that stubble felt against my lips. It was uncomfortable. Still, I couldn’t allow myself to complain as I settled back down in Master’s lap. Gently, I stated,”Thank you, Master. Princess really appreciates that you’re going to do this for her.”

“It makes her really happy.”,I added. Which was true. It made me very happy. And I felt my cheeks burn a little as I blushed. I’ve really sunk so low in life…but I won’t allow myself to sink into despair. Not so soon. It’s strange but nothing that I can’t handle. At least that’s what I keep telling myself as I nestle back down into Master’s lap. There would be no way that I would allow myself to linger on things. To allow myself to be depressed as I needed to form a plan of escape. This place is huge. And there are many windows that look like I could easily escape out of them. If I weren’t stuck on all fours that was. It would probably be impossible if I tried those. Well, maybe improbable. Not entirely impossible but very time-consuming. Which I wouldn’t have much of if I was having to face Master chasing me.

I didn’t want to think of that for long.

Barely glancing around, I thought of where I could leave. The windows automatically out. So was the front door. Since it needed a key and free hands. Which I have neither of. Having at least one free hand and the key would be good. Two free hands would be ideal. That way my poor legs can be freed and stretched. They didn’t really feel that great in the restraints right now. Though I didn’t dare complain about it to Master. There was this feeling in my gut that said I would deeply regret it if I did. After all the man could easily lift me up like I weighed nothing at all. Sure, I’m not overweight but I’m not tiny either. At least I don’t think I look all that tiny. Didn’t the vet tell us that I’m normal sized? Maybe. I’m not entirely remembering it thanks to how tired I was. Either way. I think the back door might be the best way for me to escape our-his home. His home. This isn’t home. This is my Hell that I need to escape one way or another. A back door that might not be locked. Since I doubt that Master has thought of me wanting to go use it. He’s with me seemingly all the time. Helping me wash up, dry off, and go to the bathroom. The fact that he brushes my teeth for me might not have been out of kindness.

It had this feel of him trying to make me feel lesser. Or something to that effect.

For a moment there was this strange thought that there wasn’t one. That I would be trying to get out through a space that wouldn’t exist. But that was ludicrous. There had to be a back door to this place. What kind of house doesn’t have a back door. Or any other door that led to the back of the house? Or the side? I can’t remember if I saw a garage or not. When we were outside, I don’t think I got a good look. Master had left his van outside of the house entirely. Not pulled into a garage. This would make me think that there wasn’t one but, maybe he just didn’t like parking in a garage? It would make a lot of sense to me. It could also be him being a bit lazy as well.

That would also make a lot of sense.

If there is a garage, then maybe I would be able to get into it. I must figure out how to open the door to it. Once I found a door leading to that. That’s if I don’t either the side or back door leading out of here. There must be at least one of these things in this whole horrible place. Chewing my bottom lip, I tried to think of how to open a door at all. It wouldn’t be all that easy without the use of my fingers. But it wouldn’t be entirely impossible. Provided it wasn’t locked.

Looking at my hands, I pictured how difficult it could be. I would have to wrap my hands tightly around it. Or get a belt. Then I would have to flip something to get the main door to slide up. An idea of reaching up and using my hands would be ideal. But what if I can’t reach the switch? What would I be able to use then? So far, I haven’t seen a broom or anything like it. If the state of the floor weren’t a good indicator that he never swept or vacuumed at all. Which made me wonder if Master even owned any of these things. Or seen one since he lived with his parents. Who I don’t know if I hate or not. Since they could possibly be decent people. They could be. And the way that Master seems to believe that he has the right to own me is a symptom of something else. Just like the smell…I honestly can’t smell it anymore. It’s strangely something that I think I’ve grown accustomed to as I started living here.

If you can even call this living.

Mentally I kicked myself to stop myself from continuing down that toxic thought spiral. If I kept that up, I would be doomed. Master is…Bradley needs to have my full attention otherwise things were going to go terrible. Glancing at the T.V I noticed that Bradley was checking out the movies he had. Going through several that he seemed to own on his device. Some were recognizable horror stuff. And a few horror comedies. I’d be interested in watching one at any other time. Any other time than this. That’s if I weren’t feeling so disturbed by those whole violent murders from ‘Pet’. I don’t think I will be able to withstand any form of blood after that. It just was way too much. It was too close to home for me to be able to withstand it. Chewing my bottom lip as he picked a Monty Python movie that I liked. The Holy Grail one. If everything wasn’t so messed up, I would enjoy this.

But this isn’t something that I can do right now. Maybe later when I’m far away from Bradley. Right now, I have got to think about what I should be using to get free. A belt? If I can loop it somehow and get it around a doorknob it might be good? I’m not entirely sure of how the mechanics behind it are going to work. Though I’ll figure it out once I find a belt or anything like it. Make a lasso of some sort and wrap it around the doorknob or something. I’m not sure if I can. But that’s not something that I need to worry about right now. What I need to worry about is finding a garage or any door at all. If there isn’t one, then…well that means things will be complicated for sure. And I will have to get creative to find another way out of this smelly Hellhole. Several ideas of how to open the front door are slowly starting to form in my head. Any ideas that could work. Some that wouldn’t work as well and were sort of pathetic.

Like biting Master until he gets so sick of me that he throws me out. One that would not work. And two, it would piss him off to no end. I probably would end up going back to the vet to get my teeth removed. Which was a fate that I most definitely wanted to avoid. I wouldn’t just be in a lot of pain for a while. At least I think I would be. But I wouldn’t be able to eat food like I normally would. And…and I’m really starting to get comfortable once again in Master’s lap. It feels good to be petted and dotted upon like I were someone that was really loved. For once in my life, I was…I’m not loved. I need to remind myself that I can’t let my head be filled with these lies. They’re not real. He doesn’t love me like I was a person. All Bradley wishes is to own me like the creature he believes that I am. And I’m so fucking touch starved, and affection starved that…that I’m letting this get to me like a pathetic freak. One that desperately needs to be ‘loved’ despite none of this really being love at all.

God now is not the time for my self-hatred to weasel its pathetic head up right now. Or maybe it’s self-pity. Either way I’m not entirely sure of what to call this. Other than unhelpful. I’m not sure why I’m getting so deep into my own messed up thoughts like this at this point. Not thinking like I’m supposed to be. It’s something that I might need to see a therapist about. When and if I get…no when I get out of this Hellhole, I will be seeing a therapist and unpacking things there. I will not allow myself to fall into a pit of despair at all. I will be getting out. I will be getting out of this horrible place, and I won’t let myself get depressed. Or whatever the Hell you can call this state. What I will be doing is getting the fuck out of here.

It’s what I keep chanting to myself mentally. That I will be getting out of here and that everything will be okay. To avoid making myself look terrified of Mas-BRADLEY. I can’t allow myself to be afraid of Bradley. If he figures out that there is something wrong with me then he might hurt me. Or take me back to that god damned ‘vet’. I don’t want to see that fucker anytime soon. The way that he treated me makes me realize why animals dislike going to the vet. Now that some freak has started groping me and doing things to me without my consent…I guess it’s worse when you’re a human. Animals have more of an advocate in their owners. Who wouldn’t allow some freak to grope them for no good reason. Well one that isn’t…isn’t ‘fetishy’. I’m not too sure what else you could call any of this. Bradley may not have touched me sexually.

But…but this…God, I can’t just think of that either. It’s terrible. That’s all I need to know, and I need to keep myself calm. Who knows what Bradley might do if I even seem the slightest bit upset? What’ll happen if I anger him? An image of me being thrown down the stairs crops up in my mind. I do my best to ignore it as I lay in his lap. I continue to settle down as I try to watch the movie. It was difficult to keep my attention on it as I chewed on my bottom lip. Wondering why I couldn’t get my brain back to where it had been days ago. Maybe this is some fucked up form of survival. Survival and trauma? I’m not entirely sure but I am definitely sure I have to keep my wits about myself. If not, then things are going to be harder for me than they need to be.

While we cuddled together, I remind myself that I can’t let Bradley win. Win what entirely. I’m not completely sure of. Aside from me and my sense of self. Sense of being a person that isn’t a toy to him. Or…well. Obviously, the pet that he desperately wants to make me now. While I watch the movie, I won’t let Bradley get in my way. Nor will I allow this feeling of safety to do that either. It’s not a real sense of security. I know that it isn’t a real sense of security. Glancing up at Master, I can’t help but shake the feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sure, he hasn’t actively harmed me. But I’m sure that there won’t be a time that he would physically punish me. Even if he doesn’t say so out loud. There’s this feeling about his ‘sweet’ and ‘kind’ act that makes me feel this way. It gnaws at the pit of my stomach as I stared at the T.V screen. Despite what a small part of my brain wants from me; I just ignore it as we sit. After a few minutes or so Master starts to get up. Being careful in not jostling me too much as he does so. Looking up at him, I felt terrified about what he was going to be doing next. He returns my smile as he turns around to his chair. Gently setting me down with a gentle sigh. Bradley informs,”Master is going to make us something very yummy to eat, Princess.”

“You just enjoy his chair and your movie, and he’ll be right back.”,he adds. Kissing my forehead before hurrying off to the kitchen. Leaving me all alone with my thoughts. My poisonous thoughts. That was sort of good but sort of not good. Sure, I wanted a little alone time. But for the most part I wanted a distraction from my terrible thoughts. But I just smiled at him before he left me entirely alone. Looking up at the screen as I wished I was freer than now. Wishing that I could stretch my legs at the very least. They weren’t cramping up just yet. Though they didn’t feel that great as I looked down at them with a slight frown on my face.

Without Master here, I feel like I can…without Bradley here I feel I can show how any other emotion than happy. If I showed that I was angry around him, I’m damn sure that he’d hurt me. Or if I’m sad that he’ll hurt me. It’s hard to tell with someone like him. Taking a deep breath, I try to stretch out to the best of my ability. It isn’t a whole lot, but it is better than nothing at all. I’m going to be enjoying the time that I have to myself. I am relaxing to the best of my ability now. Being grateful for the small few seconds that I have to myself. As well as the personal space that I’m getting right now. Settling more down I watched the screen with a sigh of relief. Chewing my bottom lip once more as I watched one of my favorite movies. It was good to have time for myself. And I don’t know how much more time I will be having after the surgeries. Probably not a lot. Something tells me that Master won’t be giving me any.

That Bradley wouldn’t be giving me any space afterwards. I was going to be avoiding all that the best I can. There’s no way that I was going to let him get my uterus removed. Even if I don’t want periods, I don’t want my uterus gone.

All I want is to spend time by myself instead of with Bradley. Enjoy a movie. A good armchair that was way comfier than I expected it to be. Nuzzling down as I looked up at the screen without smiling. Annoyed at how much my own mind wants to refer to Bradley as ‘Master’. And I kept trying to remind it that he isn’t our master. That he was our kidnapper. Finding it took a lot of brain power to keep myself from referring to him as ‘Master’. Even though I’m completely alone. It doesn’t make any sense to me, but I doubt this situation would to anyone that was normal. Anyone else that could see this situation would see this for what it really was.

A seemingly rich creepy dude wanting a human as a pet.

It’s disgusting and vile and…and a fucked-up part of my brain likes it. Feels comforted by the way that I’m treated. Doted on. ‘Loved’ like no one else has ever ‘loved’ me than I had ever been before. This was the strangest thing. And I’ll refer to him as ‘Master’ when he’s around. Be the good little kitty that he wants me to be. But I won’t be referring to his creepy ass as that in my head. While I sat there, I nuzzled the arm of the chair. Enjoying what little body heat that Mas-Bradley had left behind.

After a little over twenty minutes or so, I hear his footsteps behind me. Not moving as, he came over to where he left me. With two bowls of food in his hands. It looked like a nice salad with grilled chicken, ranch dressing, and some cheese. A lot of cheese on mine with little croutons on it. Which was normally good in my eyes. But I was too sore and tired from the stupid shots to want it. And I didn’t really feel like standing up to eat food off the damned ground. Especially one that dirty. Sitting up a little bit, I sighed as I knew that I was going to have to eat on the ground anyways. Master wouldn’t let me eat while I sit on the couch. He said so earlier. Which really sucks, I wish that he would…I wish that I would stop acting like a god damned pet about this whole thing. Shoving these feelings down, I look at him. Bradley isn’t my master. He isn’t my master. He is my kidnapper. That forced me to go to a creepy ‘vet’ that gave me so many shots. Without my consent. It isn’t something to be thinking fondly of at all. Nor would I allow myself to go back to that creepy pet mindset that he’s trying to put me in. I’ll suck it up and stand up on the gross carpet while I eat out of that damn bowl. Bide my time to properly think of a way to escape this awful place and never see him again.

What Bradley did next surprised me. As he put my bowl of food onto the armchair next to me. Reaching over and gently petting my head as he smiled down at me. Giving my ear a scratch once more before sitting on the floor. An action that I never anticipated on him doing for me at all. Since I thought he would see such an action beneath him. Like way beneath him. Tilting my head, I stared down at him as he started to get more comfortable on the carpet. Which was easier said than done. Soon as he seemed to be, I looked down at my food. Then at him again. Calmly, I asked,”Master? Why are you sitting down on the floor instead of your chair?”

“Shouldn’t Princess be the one on the floor instead of you?”,I questioned. I am a little curious as to why he was treating me like a human. Or at least nicer than I was expecting him to be treating me. A lot kinder than I was expecting. But I’m not complaining. At all. This just made me a lot curious as to why he wanted to do this for. It just seemed odd that he would do this for me. Then again, I can’t understand why someone would be complaining in this situation. A weirdo probably. Or someone who is into this whole creepy ass lifestyle. Maybe both. What Bradley said next was somewhat endearing in the weirdest sense of the word. He answered,”Master felt that you should be pampered a little bit after a successful vet visit.”

“You were such a good girl for the vet. And you didn’t bite him or scratch at him either.”,he complimented. Not that I would have been able to scratch anyone with these dumb mittens. Hell, I couldn’t even scratch my own itch if I had one. But I didn’t say that as I smiled down at Master. Who leaned over and patted my head in a lovingly condescending manner. One that would have made me bite him if I weren’t so happy with it. Finding myself pathetically leaning into his gentle touch. It felt so stupid for me to be so happy about something like this. But here I was, and I absolutely hated myself for it. Sighing with happiness as I do so. God this is pathetic. So utterly pathetic and I despise myself for allowing this at all.

Feeling my face burn a little as I started eating my food. It was by far the freakiest moment out of all of this. Not the worst. But the freakiest and…and God I can’t believe how much I’m enjoying this. Or how used to this I am. What the Hell is wrong with me? Just what the utter Hell is wrong with me? While I ate, I wished that I was anywhere else in the entire world right now. God, I would take being in a dumpster. A dumpster would be better than this bullshit. In my mind at the very least. I try to push my feelings down as I eat the light dinner that Bradley made for me. Trying to not think of how messed up I am as a human being. Trying hard to focus on the food instead of worrying about my messed-up brain right now. What the Hell is wrong with me? Right now, isn’t the best time to be thinking about what it could be.

Right now, I must keep an eye on Master. Keeping my mind focused on him and what he was going to do next. Not on how messed up my psyche is. That can happen when I can be at a safe distance from this. This whole terrible mess. Whenever that’s going to be. That might be a couple of months or a couple of yea…yeah, it can’t be a couple of years. I don’t think I could survive that. I won’t allow myself to think of that as I finish my light dinner and stare down at Mas-Bradley. Who was staring at me with the strangest smile I have ever seen on his face.

Why does he keep looking at me like that for? With so much ‘love’ in his gaze? It doesn’t feel like he really loves me. More like he loves to keep me. And I don’t think I need to tell anyone how disgusting that feels. Well how it should be feeling. It’s strange being ‘loved’ so unconditionally like this. Not even really doing much of anything and he still sees me as someone worthy…what the Hell am I thinking? It’s…it isn’t love. This can’t be real love that he feels towards me. Unconditional love. Stuff that my own parents refused to give me when I lived with them. When I was a child that needed them. So why does he ‘love’ me like this at all? Why not get an actual animal as a pet? Or at least get someone that would consent to this? Someone who would love to be with him in this Master and Pet scenario willingly. Love him the way that he seems to want to be loved by me. Wouldn’t that be a whole lot easier and better?

All of this would be a lot more appealing to someone that consented…someone who was better than…the idea of someone being here instead of me made my heart hurt for some reason. One that I couldn’t understand in the slightest bit. It just…why couldn’t he have picked anyone else? Someone that wasn’t me. Why in Hell did he pick me out of anyone that he could have found on the street?

Soon as I was done eating, Master was done too. He picked up my bowl and kissed my forehead like earlier. Hurrying towards the kitchen faster than I had ever seen him move before. It was surprising how quick he was moving right now. Since he seemed to walk at a more leisurely pace. Even when we were going to the vet earlier today, Master didn’t rush around to get there. He took his time. What in the world was he trying to get done so quickly? Was it playing in the playroom?  I think he said that we would have some playtime today when we were at the vet’s office.

That would be nice. Getting a little fun with those good crinkle toys. I want to just smack them around for a little while. Even if I’m still kind of sore from all the shots that I had got this afternoon. I heard him wash it and heard light clinking from the kitchen. My guess is that he’s probably putting the bowls away. Or maybe just leaving them out to dry. Whatever he’s doing, I doubt it matters. Carefully I listen to his footsteps as he comes back to the living room. A few seconds later, he scoops me up in his arms and turns off the T.V. Nuzzling my cheek as he turns to walk us down the hallway. While he walks, he starts to hum softly. Being gentle as he holds me even tighter to his chest. As we walked, I had an opportunity to see the oven clock. It wasn’t really all that late at night. In fact, it was only seven-thirty. So, it was way too early for us to go to bed. Much too early for us to go to bed. Master wouldn’t want to sleep at this hour, would he?

I frowned at the idea of having to go to sleep early. Even if I was tired, I wasn’t so tired that I needed an early bedtime. Or have a bedtime at all. But I knew better than to throw a fit about it or show any anger. Instead, I just calmly took a deep breath as I rested my chin on Master’s shoulder. Gently, I asked,”Master? Where are we going? We’re not going to bed already, are we?”

“No, Princess. It’s not bedtime just yet.”,he reassures me. I assume that’s what his tone of voice is meant to be. Soothing. But it does little to soothe my already frazzled nerves. He gently rubs his hands up and down my spine as cooes at me. In a calm voice, Master answered,”We’re just going to our room for a little cuddle time.”

Cuddle time? That made me freeze in his grasp for a little while. Good Lord, I know he hasn’t done anything sexual towards me. Or at least nothing most people would consider sexual. But it felt strangely like a code for something. And I didn’t like the idea of him wanting to do anything remotely sexual with my body as I limply lay in his grasp. Chewing my bottom lip at the idea of being forced to do something so gross. Then I forced those feelings down. Master wasn’t going to do anything sexual with me. After all, we have been naked together. Bathing together. And he did nothing that would hint he was into something more from me.

Yet I couldn’t shake this feeling of dread inside of me. That settled in my stomach like a heavy stone.

It was hard not to feel afraid as we headed up the stairs to our bedroom. It was hard not to be afraid of what could happen. Master gently sets me down on the floor before he walked over to his bed. Dragging a garbage can that I hadn’t previously noticed over to it. I watched as he started picking up pieces of trash off his smelly bed. Some trash that looked like it had been there for a long while. Maybe a couple of months or so. Along with some old food that may have had mold on it. I’m not sure of that. Since I didn’t really get a good look at any of it. Instead, I just focused on my paw gloves while I listened to him fix up the bed. Then I noticed he gave a little huff before I looked up. Pulling off the bedding and tossing it into the corner of the room. Then pulling out some fresh bedding and putting it on. It was light green and looked like it was clean. Or at least a whole lot cleaner than that bedding from earlier had been. Which was good. Since I didn’t really want to lay down on sheets that smelled like moldy food and trash. Soon as he was done smoothing out the blanket, Master turned to me with a small smile.

Walking up to me, he picked me up from the ground gently. Walked back over to the bed and set me down on it. Taking his shoes off before sliding onto the bed next to me and curling around me. Toying with my hair as I lay down on the bed. Allowing him to do whatever he wants to as we start to relax. It felt nice laying on Master’s bed. A whole lot more comfortable than the dog bed that he gave me. Even if it’s a luxurious bed meant for pampered dogs or whatever. It was strange. Master quickly turned me around on the bed, so my back was facing him. His chest pressed up against me as his arms wrapped around my waist gently. It was nice having so much warmth against me. Being held like this was just so strangely soothing. Closing my eyes, I prayed that I would never get used to this sort of treatment. Silently I prayed that I wouldn’t. Gently pulling my hands to my chest as I thought,’Please Lord, please’

‘Don’t let me get used to this…please…’,I added. And without intending to, I found myself drifting off to sleep.