Unaccounted Dreams

Lydia sat on the edge of the sofa, never completely relaxed nor ready for anything either. She sipped tea politely listening to Erika's mumbling. Money on the brain. That's all she thinks of. Lydia knew they had everything needed or could ever want, but no, Erika always wanted more.

When they met fifteen years ago they were bleeding heart liberals, volunteering in the same campus group that spearheaded campaigns for women's equality, marginalized groups from every corner of the globe rights to be factual; they immediately hit it off. Lydia came from a low income family, had five younger siblings and had been Catholicized to death. She was never really out with her parents but she knew they knew, more or less.

Erika had a worldly air and a confidence Lydia could never achieve. Why, she'd seen much of the world before she was twenty-one and Lydia, other than her high school trip to Washington D.C. had only seen a wide variety of family campgrounds and summer bible study outings. Her role was responsibility, being ordered about by her parents, keeping an eye on her younger three, very wild brothers and two precocious sisters. Her father worked as a mechanic, had his own shop and of course that meant odd jobs parked around their small property. Lydia shuttered at the memory of taking Erika from the upper class suburbs to meet her loud mouthed family with random car parts strewn about what little green there had been in their lawn.

Erika insisted she wasn't listening. I am, really, I am. She put her tea cup down and gazed into Erika's earth brown eyes, the same eyes that soaked up her entire heart back in college when the world seemed so easy. The eyes that always screamed, I want you.

Erika went on about interest rates, investment plans, rainy day funds as Lydia did her best to follow. You do know money does not grow on trees my lovely girl. She stood and patted Lydia on the head like a child. Lydia reached for her hand and Erika quickly disengaged. I have to get back to the office babe, how about we make some plans for Saturday night? You pick yourself out something pretty today when you go out, 'k? I upped your credit limit by the way.

There it was again. Lydia's painting was always second. Nothing she created or occasionally sold would ever appease her lover. She was just home, where Erika liked her to be. They'd been talking about artificial insemination versus adoption for a year but nothing was really happening on the subject of growing their family of two. Erika repeated often, We ARE a family, you and me. But Lydia would not give up. She'd bring it up Saturday night.

Standing in front of the hallway mirror she stuffed a pillow from the sofa under her shirt imagining being pregnant. She wondered if she would have the glow or feel ill and bloated. She thought of her mother who seemed pregnant most all the time and her caring for neighbourhood kids for extra money. It was a lot. Diapers, crying, peanut butter smeared across counter tops and little faces, bottle washing, bath time, and of course bedtime seemed always to come with shouting matches. Why did she miss all of that chaos? Why did she long for bringing a challenge as this into this easy-peasy, perfect life she, uh, well Erika created for them. For one second, before she quickly banished the thought, the notion that this life was created by Erika, not her, did surface.

Grabbing her car keys she headed into town looking for the perfect Saturday night surprise. Erika loved her in satin, especially little shorts with lace and matching single strapped tops. She chose a warm rose colour and grabbed a bottle of prosecco on the way home. Did she think about money? No, not really. Erika did all the thinking. Perhaps she should try to be more efficient, watch her pennies so to speak, if she really wanted a baby. Maybe that was why Erika kept putting off the topic.

Saturday afternoon Lydia was dancing around the living room listening to a new playlist when her cell phone rang. Before she could find it she'd missed the call. She could see it was Erika and listened to her message.

Babe, working late on the Cooper deal, you know I need to meet this deadline. I doubt I'll be home before eleven. Treat yourself to a massage and I promise Sunday I'm all yours.

Turning off the playlist, Lydia sat back on the sofa, right on the edge as always. Not relaxing nor about to rise up again for anything. She sang out a few words from an ABBA song, "Money, money, money, it must be funny in a rich man's world". Was it funny?

Lydia put on her pretty satin shorts and top and opened the prosecco. She poured herself an ice tea glass full. She thought maybe she should get a kitten. She would ask Erika for a kitten. No. She would demand Erika bought her a kitten and book them a flight to the city where she would drag her around to art museums. She knew she hated them. Then, slightly tipsy she screamed out loud, "What about ME?"

Suddenly the front door opened and there stood Erika with a huge smile of amusement. Well, cupcake, having some fun are we? Lydia blushed as she fell into the dreamy darkness of Erika's warm eyes. Erika removed her blazer and then pulled from a paper bag a bouquet of flowers, a mix of beauty, like all of their sunsets and sunrises, their lazy blue Sunday mornings, and their lily white wedding day combined perfectly. She walked slowly toward the sofa and kissed Lydia passionately. She took her hand and led her upstairs and said, "The Cooper case can wait."

Breathless, Lydia lay in Erika's arms. She could hear her tummy growling. She'd left work just for her. Perhaps now was not the right time to bring up a kitten, much less a baby.

Lydia sat on the edge of the bed with intent and slid her feet into her pink slippers. "Would you like me to make you your favourite dinner?" Erika laughed a little, "Sure doll, your lasagne, a bottle of red and a movie in bed sound like a perfect evening to me. Oh, and babe, could you leave your receipts from today on my dresser?"