The To-Do List: Chapter Two

I sat on my bed, list still in hand. It had been hours since Mrs. Hannen gave it to me, and I'd read it about a hundred times, still not understanding why this was all happening.

Mel had killed herself, I knew that. But I didn't know why. Was she unhappy? Were her bipolar episodes just too much to handle? Could I have stopped her, or changed her mind? Did she leave lists or letters for anyone else?

My mind continued this loop of impossible questions and unknown answers. The tears still hadn't come, and I wasn't sure I wanted them to, because if I cried, everything would be real. Mel would be gone. Truly gone. And I was not okay with that. I needed answers. Once I had all of the answers I needed, I would let myself cry. Not a second before.

I placed the list on my nightstand, slid under my blankets and tried to take a nap. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her, sitting on the beach alone, right where I'd left her. Bright orange bikini, crazy strawberry blonde hair blowing, waves crashing behind me as I walked away. And suddenly, she would be gone the next time I looked back. Her chair and flip flops, shorts and T-shirt, all still sitting neatly where she'd left them. But Mel was gone.

I opened my eyes and jolted to an upright position. My stomach churned like an angry ocean before a storm, and I could feel the palms of my hands sweating. I rubbed them on my blanket, then wiped the hair out of my face, taking a deep breath. I had to get out of here.

The house was still quiet, but I found my parents sitting in the living room together. They both looked up at me as I stood in the entryway.

"Hi, honey." Mom looked from me to dad then back to me. "How are you feeling?"

The list burned in my back pocket as I spoke. "Um... I'm okay. I think I'm going to take a walk, if that's okay."

They exchanged worried glances. "That sounds like a great idea. Would you like some company?" Dad asked. Mom gave me a small smile and nodded.

If my parents came with me, I wouldn't be able to get the answers I wanted, and the list would remain a frustratingly vague mystery. "No, thanks. I just... I'd like to be alone right now. Clear my head, you know?"

"Oh." Mom frowned slightly and looked to dad for help. He gave a small shrug. "Okay. Well, call if you need anything. We're here for you, Stella."

"I know, mom. Love you guys." And with that, I headed out the front door, reaching into my pocket to ensure the list was still there. As I got to the end of our driveway, I glanced up at Mel's house. Quiet and dark. Mitch's 4Runner was gone, and I was suddenly thinking about number ten on the list.

Tell Mitch how you feel.

I had always thought I'd kept that secret very securely hidden, deep in my soul. But Mel knew. Of course she knew. We didn't have any secrets, even if we thought we did.

But she definitely kept secrets from me, otherwise I would've known her plan to do what she did.

I shook my head and walked in the direction of the police station. It was about two miles away, and I could've taken my car, but something about a long walk sounded nice.

The air was thick and sticky with humidity, making the baby hairs stick to my forehead. I wrapped my hair into a messy bun as I turned the last corner, speed walking to the police station doors. I slowed as I entered the parking lot and spotted Mitch's SUV.

What is he doing here? I thought. I pushed forward and opened the door. Cold air blasted my face and sent a chill down my spine. I glanced around looking for Mitch and saw him talking to a familiar officer. He had been one of the two at their house earlier that day.

As I approached, I heard the anger in Mitch's voice as he said, "Please just tell me what happened!" I trotted up behind him, putting my hand on his arm. He swung around and immediately softened when he saw me. "Stella."

"Um, hey." I made eye contact with the officer, shifting my body to face him. "You were the one at the house earlier?" I asked. He nodded once. "Um... were you the one that found this?" I reached into my pocket and showed him the list.

He took it from me and frowned. "No, that was my partner. Rodriguez." He pointed over his shoulder at an older gentleman sitting at a desk just behind him. "Is there something that you need?"

"I'm just going to ask him a quick question," I said quietly, glancing back at Mitch who followed. "Excuse me? Mister, uh, Rodriguez?" My voice faltered slightly as he looked up from the pile of paperwork in front of him.

"Yeah, what can I do--" He stopped short, shoulders drooping a bit when he saw us. "Oh. Hi there." He looked up at Mitch. "I'm so sorry about your sister." Mitch shifted uncomfortably, rubbing the back of his neck and nodding. "What can I do for you?"

I held out the piece of paper and he looked down at it, frowning. "You found this," I stated.

"I did, yes. Mrs. Hannen said she knew it was for you. Stella, I presume?" Now I nodded and shuffled my feet uncomfortably. "I'm sorry."

"I was just wondering if you found anything else?" I was surprised how easily the question flowed from my lips. "Like, uh, a note or letter. Anything? For anyone else?" I felt my hands start to shake, so I jammed them into my pockets, along with the note.

"I'm really sorry, but no. This was all we found. Everything else, we gave to your parents this morning." He said this looking at Mitch.

"Everything else?"

"Her clothes. A necklace. A chair and a beach towel." He cleared his throat and took a sip from the cardboard coffee cup that had been sitting on his desk.

"Wait." Suddenly it dawned on me. "You found her on the beach?" Rodriguez nodded, eyeing me quizzically, as if I should have known this. "At New Smyrna? By the lifeguard post?"

"Yes. We gave all this information to Mr. and Mrs. Hannen. Call came in around eight fifteen this morning."

"She drowned herself in the ocean." I nearly whispered this to myself, realization smacking me right in the face.

I felt Mitch looking at me but I couldn't meet his eyes. Things were beginning to make more and more sense, while also feeling so much farther from any real answers. My nose started to burn and my chest tightened. I turned on my heel and rushed for the doors.

I heard Mitch and Rodriguez saying something, but everything was a blur of background noise beneath the ringing in my ears. As I pushed through the doors, I burst into tears, shoulders shaking and heart pounding.

It was true. She had killed herself after I left. She probably waited around all day for the crowds to disperse. For the lifeguard to leave for the evening. For the sun to start setting behind her as she waded into the waves until she disappeared forever.

"Oh my God," I sobbed into my hands. I found my way to a bench in the grass and fell onto it. I gasped heavily, trying to catch my breath. As I threw my hands up to the sky as if asking her why she did it, Mitch emerged from the police station. His face was pale, eyes bloodshot.

"Stella." He made his way over to the bench and sat next to me, leaving a bit of space between us.

"I was with her!" I cried. "I was there. We were at the beach together!" I couldn't control the tears anymore. They poured over the rims of my eyes like an overflowing bathtub. "She... I..."

Mitch moved closer, pulling me into an awkward side hug. "Hey, no. Don't do that to yourself. You couldn't have known what she was thinking."

"But she... she told me..." I sobbed again, trying to catch my breath long enough to finish one Goddamn sentence. I exhaled slowly. "She told me... that she was having a depressive episode." I leaned back so I could look him in the eye. "A bad one. And I left her there all alone."

"She's had bad ones before. We couldn't have known that this would happen. She had texted me yesterday morning saying how excited she was to see me." He rested his elbows on his knees, taking a deep breath. "I should've visited more."

A hiccup slipped from my mouth and Mitch gave the softest chuckle. "Shush," I said with a small smile.

"So..." He sat up and looked at me. "What was on that piece of paper?" he asked tentatively.

"Oh... uh..." I paused, trying to gather the right words. "It's a... list." He eyed me, confused. "A list of things Mel wanted me to do, I guess. After she was gone."

"Can I see it?"

"No," I snapped, too quickly. His eyes widened. "Sorry. I mean, no. Not yet. It's... private?" I sighed loudly. The only reason I didn't want to show it to him was because of number ten.

He chuckled again. "All right." We stood up in unison and headed towards the parking lot. "Need a ride home?" I looked back at him with a smirk. "I noticed you didn't drive," he said, motioning to the mostly empty parking lot.

"Oh, right." I scratched my head, not sure of what to say. "I was actually thinking about going somewhere else." I had no idea where this was, but I knew I didn't want to go home just yet.

"Okay, well can I give you a ride to wherever that is?" he asked genuinely.

"I was gonna go to the beach..." I said it before I even realized what I was saying. His face shifted slightly, then softened to a smile. "Do you... wanna join me?" He nodded and headed towards his SUV.

We climbed in and sat in silence for the whole drive, aside from whatever music had been playing on his stereo. As we pulled into a parking space on Flagler Avenue, we remained in the car for a few moments.

"Shall we?" he said. His tone seemed small, unsure.

"Yeah, but I need to make a quick stop first." I hopped out and headed in the opposite direction of the beach. "You coming?" I shouted. I heard his footsteps grow closer as he jogged to catch up.

"Where are we going?" I pointed across the street, just up ahead of us, to a flower shop. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught him smiling. "That's a good idea."

Once we picked a bouquet of yellow tulips, Mel's favorite, we headed down to the beach. The sun was just about to set behind us and a cool breeze was coming off of the ocean. The majority of the daytime crowd had come and gone, and the remaining people dotted the coastline, some pulling out their sweaters as the breeze picked up.

Without thinking, I headed towards the lifeguard post, eyeing our spot. Once there, I sat on the sand, placing the tulips next to me. Mitch joined me and sighed quietly. We both sat in silence, again, looking out at the waves that had taken Mel only the day before.

As I allowed my mind to wander, I imagined an older couple - the ones who go for walks early in the morning - finding the body of a young and beautiful girl, washed up on the sand, and calling 911. I wondered what went through their minds in that moment.

Mel had always loved the ocean. "If I had it my way, I'd die here," she had said the summer before our Sophomore year. Oh, how that sentence carried a new weight. One of her dreams was to dip her toes in every ocean on the planet. She was the reason I grew to love the beach so much, too. I realized that all of our summer plans were now things that weren't going to happen... or I would have to do them alone.

Then I remembered the list. Number six: For the love of God, make some new friends. Was that her way of telling me to keep our plans? Would I even be able to do all of those things without her? Mel was always the fun one, the outgoing one. She had to push me out of my comfort zone most days, which is why this list scared the shit out of me.

"Hey," Mitch said, bringing me back to the present. "Should we go toss those in the water?" he asked, eyeing the tulips beside me.

I looked out at the waves, remembering all of the times Mel and I had gone out, way farther than we were supposed to, and I smiled to myself. "Yeah, let's do it."

Mitch and I walked side by side towards the ocean, the comfortable silence between us continuing. I unwrapped the tulips, handing half of them to Mitch. I stepped forward, letting the water lap over my toes.

"To Mel," I sad softly. "I wish you had stayed, but I hope you're mind is clear and happy." I looked at Mitch sadly. "I love you, best friend."

"Love you, Mel. You were the best annoying little sister I could've asked for." Mitch dropped one tulip and we watched as it was sucked back into the sea.

One by one, we dropped the tulips, letting each one get swept away before dropping the next. And as the last one disappeared in the waves, a calmness washed over me, and somehow I knew that I was going to be okay.

**If you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness or suicidal thoughts, please seek help. You are not alone.**