The Kraken's Ire

"Have you heard the tale of a Giant Kraken within the sea? And the awwwful mean captain who met an unfortunate fate in its strong clutches?" The pirate pegs you with his only eye and grins a gappy smile. "I swear upon this sunshine-yellow seagull the tale is sure to delight you."

"Squeak-squeak!" the bird affirms.

"Yeh see, there was a storm rollling in, and the sailors were gathered below, swapping stories of their gnarly adventures casting out on these mysterious and foreboding waters...

"I've seen it with my own eyes, er, eye!" one of the men insisted, his scraggly beard wagging in excitement. "Tall as a... taller than... it's BIG!"

Another picked up the tale, splaying his fingers wide for dramaatic effect. "I heard it sneaks up on yuh, dark as a nightmare in a thunderstorm, then BAM--" his massive fist hit the table, "it's all around you, everywhere and inescapable, tentacles wiggling!" Hands floundered back and forth to show what he meant. Thunder rumbled in the distance. "Heard it from the only survivor." The room quieted in awe.

"What a load of hogwash!" The captain interrupted their storytelling circle, an ugly sneer on his face. "Bunch of superstitious cowards you lot are, spreading nonsense tales, wasting time making up yarns. I'll have none of that here, you hear me? Get up on deck! Now!" His boots stomped out the door and up the stairs.

They muttered uncomfortably amongst themselves. "He'll bring down misfortune on his head, 'n us all, if he don't respect the powers that be." Still, they shuffled up after him.

Ominous clouds filled the sky, lightning cracked in the distance, getting ever closer, and closer, closer. Sailors tightened their grip on the ropes, bracing for the worst. The waves picked up, vastly powerful, crashing and swooning, tilting the boat at sickeningly precarious angles. Swoosh, shoosh, swoooosh. Or could it be... something else?

"I see its shadow in the water now!" one shrieked suddenly, shivering.

"No more of that!" the captain cut in.

A strange squishing noise emanated over the salty sea spray.

"That's the sound of its suction cups pressed against the hull!" wailed another.

"I gave you an order!" the captain yelled, shaking his fancy hat in fury.

Yet they could not stay silent as calamity fell upon them.

"Oh the smell, what is that smell, of something from only from deep down in the dark dank decrepit depths of the ocean... no, no wait, ahhh, is that... lavender?"

"SILENCE!" the captain bellowed.

He stood before the crew, a force of pure electric anger, dangerous as the lightning strikes behind him, shouting furiously over the howling of the wild winds: "THERE IS NO SUCH THING, and whoever defies me by so much as mentioning this again, will immediately and unceremoniously be cast overboa--OhAhEEEheeeeek!"

A giant tentacle swept him from the deck, held him high into the air and shook him vigorously, then dropped him into the gaping mouth full of sharp pinchers below. The crew were frozen in shock. But when it became clear the monster wouldn't be aiming for anyone else, they began to cheer! "Huzzah! Huzzah!"

The monster's tentacles wrapped around the boat, but instead of crushing the vessel, carried it gently out of the choppy waters of the storm and to the safety of dry land. Their ex-captain, meanwhile, had to endure the trip inside the monster's smelly belly, until he was unceremoniously spat back out onto the beach, covered in dripping slimy spit that was soon coated in scratchy itchy sand. His hat was in shreds. He whined piteously but everyone ignored him. In fact, they veered far away from him with fingers over their noses. Now he was just as disgusting on the outside as he'd always been on the inside.

Meanwhile, the crew was in excellent spirits after their rescue. When they looked back once more to the ocean, unsure if what they had experienced was real -- or all an imagined illusion, they saw the tentacles of the kraken off in the distance, waving a friendly farewell.

...

"Little Squiddy, dear, I hear a lot of splashing in there, are you almost done with your bath?" her voice called sweetly from the other room.

"Yes Mom, coming right out!" Wiggling a tentacle out of the tub, he grabbed the towel from the bar, and slithered over the ledge onto the mat. He gathered the toys to reluctantly put them away, gave his ducky a last squeak for good measure. He squeezed out some toothpaste and began brushing his knobby little fangs. That's ok, he thought, bathtime might be over, but it's almost bedtime... and The Kraken's adventures will continue in dreamland!

Oh right, because the Kraken's actually too big to go close to the beach, so he'd have to spit out the captain sooner and make him swim the distance, but although captain's been really awful to them the crew takes pity on his pathetic flailing and drops him a lifeboat to help him reach the shore, yet even then, he can't get inside properly and is all "woah-woah, woah!" and manages to capsize it again. Haha, like a bunch of buncha timeszzzz...