St Fandom Academy Chapter 25

Another tiresome day for Blackadder. Instead of drinking his money away through fine champagne as he imagined, he was stuck in for what seemed like an eternity, managing teenagers with the intent on changing the world.

Vicky Pollard was late… nothing unusual. It would have been curious what the excuse would be. Whose pet was responsible for somebody emptying soda in somebody’s handbag?

He crossed his arms. “Explain yourself!”

“Yeah, no, but yeah, cause what it was right, Eric Cartman has been going around saying I stole the cookies from the chef’s cookie jar, and that’s totally untrue! Cause if anyone did it, it's Ash cause he can eat a whole tube of Smarties in five seconds.”

“I see…” Blackadder noticed an oval-shaped bump in Vicky’s jacket and melted chocolate on her cheek. “Can you explain what’s on your face? And what are you hiding in your jacket?”

“I ain’t even done nothing or nothing shut up! None of this would have happened if Kari hadn’t hooked up with her brother!”

“She didn’t do it!” Many of the class shouted in Kari’s honour. Any normal teacher would have demanded silence, but Blackadder allowed the chaos to commence. It wouldn’t have made a difference if he told them to shut up anyway…

Then TK stood up with a beetroot face. “Why don’t you have a shower, you fat lazy cu-“

Before TK could finish his sentence, he was interrupted by Blackadder. “Now I can’t let you do that, unless you say see you next Tuesday to Baldrick, that’s another story. At times like this, there is no choice for a typical teacher,” Blackadder said. “I would give you all a lunch time detention and make you write an essay so boring it would make Sleeping Beauty wish she had never woken up. Fortunately, I am not your typical teacher. Now Pearl, didn’t you say that you were a spirit medium!”

Pearl nodded. “Yes…”

Blackadder opened up the laptop, moved some wires about and drew his eyes on Pearl as the screen displayed a Belgian man with a distinctive moustache and hat. “I need you to channel this man. His name is Hercule Poirot!”

Pearl did as she was told. Most of the class were drawn back that a teenage girl had transformed into a much older man.

“You have summoned me, Blackadder…” the accent so smooth it could melt butter. “To resolve an issue.”

“That is correct.”

“Well, first of all, we need Baldrick!”

“Do we?” Blackadder squinted. “I am not so sure Baldrick can contribute to the situation. May I ask why Baldrick is needed?”

“Because Monsoir Blackadder!” Poirot yelled in his ear. “There is no Blackadder without Baldrick!”

Blackadder turned to the closest boy to him, who happened to be Like Triton. “Luke, ask Baldrick to come from the stables, please!”

“I can’t go there, it stinks!” Luke Triton declared.

“Who is the teacher here?” Blackadder asked.

“You, Sir.”

Blackadder removed Luke’s hat. “Then you shall do as you’re told! Unless you want me to write to your Saint Professor Layton on how rebellious you’ve been. Your mentor would be very disappointed…”

Luke ran. It took less than five minutes for him to return with Baldrick wearing a blonde wig and a bloated pink dress. The class erupted with laughter.

“It’s your twin, Vicky!” Eric Cartman roared.

“Oh my god!” Vicky had lost her senses, assuming she had any. And out of her jacket was an empty cookie jar. “I so can’t believe you just said that. Everybody knows Kari is a slag who slept with every man in the school, including her own brother, and if you don’t believe me, you can read it on Facebook. I put it all on there. His brother got kicked out of the football team.”

“Ah yes,” Poirot said. “Such a fascinating story. Alors, the damage has been done. The accusations are false! But the effects remain. Tell me, mademoiselle, what are you hoping to achieve from this?”

“I ain’t even done nothing or nothing, shut up! Anyway, I wouldn’t even be in this mess if Eric Cartman kept his fat mouth shut! It’s totally his fault that Kenny kept dying all the time.”

“How rude!” Eric hissed, then began to whistle.

“Don’t listen to him,” Vicky pleaded. “His mother’s a prostitute!”

“Excuse me,” Eric said, unusually calm. “My mother’s a respected member of the community. She offers charitable services for those in need.”

“It would seem that the decorum lessons have not worked…” Poirot observed.

“I disagree,” Baldrick said. “Eric used to pee on walls in protest, but now he says, how rude!”

“Well, I guess we all know who stole the cookies,” Blackadder said, pointing at Vicky. “Report to the principal's office at once!”

“Don’t worry!” Vicky huffed, raising her middle finger in the air. “I’m going anyway. This school is rubbish!”

“Indeed,” Poriot said. “All these accusations are made to distract us from the truth. Now justice has been done. As for everyone else, it has been a pleasure to be in your humble company. I must return Pearl to you. Au revoir! Bonne chance, you will need it!”