No Escape for the XY

I don't know anything about boats. It's something my dad is fascinated with, I go with him anyway because maybe I'll learn something. He's very handy, I feel so useless sometimes when I'm with him. How did he and my mom end up together? I have no idea. I see them and I can't help but question my existence but I guess if Dad can meet a woman like Mom, there might be hope for me after all, right?

On the yacht with Dad tends to be awkward for me. I'm 30 years old and I never had sex before, I was lucky I even got to see a woman naked in person. So Dad and I crack some cold ones on the deck of his yacht on the marina, I'll admit this: the view is always something to see. It tends to remind me of a Frank Ocean song, the sky with its orange hue while the night's blue is close to settling in to take over as if it's a security guard coming in to clock in for the rest of the night. Dad loves to snap me out of my moment sometimes, usually with the same topic. "You got a special lady in your life, son?" asked Dad.

"No, sir," I reply. I take a sip of some beer that tastes terrible but it's part of spending time with Dad. I take a look at the sky again to get lost in it again but I notice a piece of it moving in my lower peripheral vision as if someone tore off a piece of it and pointed it my way. I look and there's the source. This beautiful woman with strawberry blonde-ish hair, wearing those cheesy 1950s type of sunglasses, has tan skin but I know she'd be pale during the winter so she's been spending a lot of time at the beach, slim figure but she's gotta have an athletic edge to her with the legs she's using to walk with, her dress isn't even showy. It looks like something she would've gotten at a thrift shop and she's not revealing the intimate parts of her figure. She has a likeness to Emma Laird. Dad noticed me looking but I tried to play it off. Damn it, too late for me.

"Son, go talk to her. Work your magic," said Dad.

"Dad, I don't have any magic. You never gave any to me," I say.

"Okay, then. I'm gonna give you some right now," replied Dad.

Dad waves his hands around me like he's about to start chanting but we're almost in her field of vision. I have a choice to make here and I don't have a lot of time. I can either act like I'm leveling up from Dad's "magic" like a video game character or I can quickly stop Dad and this corniness.

5 seconds left...

Screw it...

I act like I'm getting the quickest level-up ever. The woman is walking up to the yacht. Wait, she's coming up here? Breath check? No time, we're gonna wing it. She takes off her sunglasses before saying anything. "Umm, excuse me?" asks the woman.

Dad and I shoot looks her way. "Is this the same yacht that Minnie is on?" asks the woman. Dad looks at me and bats his eyebrows at me, Minnie is my mom's name. Before I even do anything, Dad wraps his arm around my shoulder and guides me towards the woman with him. "Yes, it is. Minnie is about to wake up from her beauty rest. I'm her husband, Michael. This is my son, Tyler." said Dad.

"Hi, Michael. Hi, Tyler. I'm Kaylee," said the woman.

A few coughs leave my mouth before I can even form one word. "Hi, Kaylee. You look nice today."

Kaylee looks at me with the nicest smile, "Thank you, Tyler."

If smiles could kill, her smile would be the most dangerous to witness besides Florence Pugh and Margot Robbie. I try my best to give her my charming smolder look but I already know I look constipated or worse.

"What's wrong? Do I have something on my face?" asked Kaylee.

"Uhh... No, why?" I replied.

"You just looked like you were disgusted by something. I couldn't tell if you saw spinach in my teeth or you were trying your best impression of Donkey doing Puss In Boots' eyes when they switched bodies," said Kaylee.

Oh, goddamn it. My game is super off. Maybe I should just talk to her like a regular dude.

"So you're a Shrek fan as well?" I asked.

"Yeah. I'm more of a Kung Fu Panda girl but I like Shrek too. Which is your favorite?" replied Kaylee.

"The second one, easily. It's the funniest one and it has the most heart out of all of them." I said.

"I don't know. Puss In Boots' movie had a lot of heart in that as well," said Kaylee.

"I saw that one and it did but if Death is that wolf for me, I just hope he shapeshifts. Otherwise, I'll even spend my 90s running from him." I said.

Ah, shit. Why'd I bring up Death? Stupid sociology teacher. I don't like being reminded of my mortality. All it does is slow things down for me and I freak out. Maybe I can look at Kaylee again? It doesn't take long for her to notice me looking at her again.

"Oh my gosh, Tyler, what?!" said Kaylee.

Before I can even get a response out, Mom comes back from her nap. "Son, are you freaking yourself out again?"

Oh, great. I'm about to sit through the crucifixion of my Mom's love. I know she means well and I love her, too, but this is the worst possible time to shoehorn herself into another crash-and-burn session for me. "No, Mom. I'm just getting to know Kaylee before we head into the vast world of the ocean." I said.

"Well, that's good. Kaylee, it's okay. You're part of the family now, Tyler is going to take real good care of you." Mom said.

"Thank you, Mrs. C, I'm excited to head to the sea with you all," replied Kaylee.

"Mrs. C? You make me sound old. Please call me Minnie," said Mom.

"Oh, Mom, how was the nap?" I ask.

"Very relaxing. I feel energized," said Mom.

I feel lovesick. Kaylee looks at me with a lovely smile. I guess she can see how I'm a bit of a mama's boy.

"I'm gonna go help Dad with whatever he's doing, Mom. Kaylee, welcome to the yacht." I said.

I leave the ladies in the company of each other. I'm not what Dad thinks I am, Mom can only do so much in front of a potential suitor, I obviously just met Kaylee and I already am annoyed at what this feeling is doing to me. I'm surprised I managed to keep cool this long. I hear Kaylee's voice follow me barely five seconds later.

"Tyler, wait," said Kaylee.

I stop walking. What does she want? I can't be that interesting already. My hygiene is barely noticeable and my physique isn't even at least Spider-Man's. So what else is there that she wants me to wait for her?

"Do you think.... " asked Kaylee. I can see she's nervous like she wants to ask me something that could change everything. I want to cut her off but I'm already quiet so we might as well see where this goes.

"Could you snuggle me in case we bump into waves while we're out?" she asked.

Whoa...

"Uhhh, uhh, wait, what? Why?" I ask.

"I get a little seasick and I have anxiety when it comes to boats, don't tell anyone, " said Kaylee.

"Yeah, yeah, of course, I can snuggle you," I responded with a slight stammer.

"Thank you, Tyler," said Kaylee as she hugged me.

UH-OH! Baseball, the moon, Margaret Thatcher, Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day while it snows outside. Hey, that's starting to work a little bit. I hugged her back before we released each other after about a minute.

"You're welcome, just let me know when you're ready for bed," I said.

She smiles at me while she goes back to being in the company of my mom. I hope she didn't feel it. I may be older but one of my biggest fears has always been my joystick being awakened while I'm hugging a beautiful woman. Don't judge me, okay? I'm always busy and dates haven't exactly been my forte these days.

"Oh man, if she's this beautiful, I'd almost hate to see her during the winter," I said under my breath.

Wait, that was for my thoughts. Oh well. I'm gonna go see about my dad.

3 hours later...

The sun has set. We're still at the shore, we could've gotten a hotel or something nearby but Dad wants us to enjoy each other's company. I wonder how Mom is handling this, she hates being cold but Dad is probably using this to turn on his charm with her. He's a lot smoother than I thought. I stand on the starboard side of the boat where I have a nice view of the moon hovering over the water slightly with a drink in my hand. I hate the moon but this is one of the very few times I'll accept it as an exception. I hear giggling from Mom in the master bedroom. Dad is working his magic, I guess. Even at 30 years old, I still can't escape my parents' feelings for each other.

"Hey, stranger," said Kaylee.

She wraps her arm in mine before I can even get my response out.

"Hey, Kaylee," I respond.

There's no way this woman is into me like that. Something has to be up here.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"I'm good, Tyler, why?" responded Kaylee.

"I'm just surprised that you seem to be this into me," I said.

"Oh, I'm not into you. I actually have a girlfriend back home," said Kaylee.

The news pushes me over the edge and I fall into the water. I can't swim but I'm lucky there are a few things nearby that can help me get back on land. She has a girlfriend? Why is she so touchy-feely with me? Why not bring a teddy bear or something instead of asking me to snuggle? Would it have led to us kissing? Would it have led to sex? Could it have led to sex? What's she doing on this boat with us?

"Oh, my god! Tyler!" yelled Kaylee. Mom and Dad quickly follow, they always seem to know when I'm in danger.

She doesn't jump in but she runs to find a closer spot to me. I have a choice to make. Deal with the embarrassment and look into this beautiful woman's eyes while I die inside or submit to the everlasting water of the earth.