Memories of a life before

There are memories within us that don't belong to the one that we are,and yet they become reflected back at us from within each reflection we see. A different and incomplete version of ourselves looks back into our souls; it shows us the life we could have had if we could just recognise that there are qualities within us that we just can't acknowledge.

My husband has always said that you can lie to those around you and even try to lie to yourself but when you really look at yourself in the mirror you will see the lie, you will see the transgressions or the ommisions,the broken promises and the choices never made through fear. Because of this mirrors become a portal, a portal of truth and through that intention, which in itself can give voice to what you seek to hide.

It was a dull day as always in January,sitting drinking coffee by my fireplace I looked around me and sighed,modest home and lifestyle,amazing husband,not much in the way of wants or desires that would get externalised but every now and then a twinge of sadness,of remorse. Perhaps remorse that I had not been more of a risk taker,not travelled the world or written an epic book,just a few bits here and there of note to some but not many,a life drawing closer to a close that still had so much that it wanted to do. Quietly,I finished the luke warm coffee left in my cup and began my day. Physiotherapy,housework,maybe some knitting or artwork,perhaps a new tattoo, I'd never been able to settle into a proper routine out of work life, too many non constants to put in place something like a functional shape to my days and weeks,they began to merge into one endless day marked only by the binality of sleep ending one point of the circle to be begun again by the waking and drinking of coffee.

Today felt different though and by mid morning things began to change. It was just a subtle shift in enviroment,imperciptable really, the temperature in the house stayed the same but it felt different,like unspoken words between two people that would sit together wanting to express themselves but not knowing where to start. Feeling it I told myself that I was just reading into things. Having a teenager in the house is hard work at the best of times so I put it down to a lack of patience on my part and decided, today the spring cleaning would start. Ever the logistics woman, I sat down to make a plan of action. We had 3 bedrooms, two being used and one not, we are half packed ready for a move that might not be coming and the house is organised chaos so where to begin?

The simple solution to gain a semblance of normality would be to use the smaller room as storage so everything is in one place,the attic is empty and I want to keep it that way so there is less to do when the move does finally happen. Running it past my husband I was presented with the reality of how much hard work it would entail and that with a significant back issue it would be a lot of hardwork.

Worth it for a semblence of normality I insisted, it would open up the house to being a functioning home again.

Lists later with itemisations of what needed to be done,the work began.

Firstly emptying the small room out and cleaning it before acumalating everything packed onto the landing to be stored. It was during this process that I rediscovered the standing mirror I had salvaged from the end of a driveway as a "project". It was kind of a running joke with my projects, I had dozens that were unfinished and scattered round the house like forgotten relics of an enthusiam I had for something but that no one else shared and so they fell by the wayside.

I decided not to store the mirror, a long full length oval one,bevelled at the edge and held in a pine frame of waxed wood,the stand matching pine waxed wood, with brass fittings on two spires,plainly carved with tulip tops in cottage style, it wouldn't have been out of place in an old farmhouse in the countryside.

Using a damp cloth I wiped down the frame and discovered there was no dust or dirt on it,in fact looking at it there was no need to clean or polish it at all, it didn't register as strange for me,just one less job to do that I was eternally grateful for.

Boxes stowed away, the mirror placed in the bathroom to be utilised, the house was starting to come back together. And yet the more the house looked like a home the less it felt like one.

It wasn't just the atmosphere but the people inside,me especially.

I've always been solitary from a young girl, a childhood of being seen and not heard lead me to become one of those people that preferred their own company and when they found their tribe could sit in companionable silence without the need to fill it with inane talk about idle matters,not a great lover of television,preferring the solice of books, I could sit in the bath for ages reading and not worry about the time that elapsed. Every now and then I would see movement out of the corner of my eye but when I looked round,it was just my reflection in the mirror,laying back and reading I must have caught the reflection of me turning a page. Shrugging it off I would continue to read then get out when I was ready.

By the time we got round to February it seemed as if my impatience had escalated and was spreading to my family,all of us were short tempered and impatient,conversation was forced and ended in argument almost everytime. Thats when the dramatic changes began with noises through out the house,knocking,whispers and waking up feeling like something was squeezing my stomach causing the bile to rise into my throat,no one else heard or felt anything,just me. I would find myself sitting up at night listening and counting the knocks each night,making a record of how many and at what times, then during the day I would analyse the pattern, however nothing seemed to make any kind of sense when reading it all back. In the meantime though the days still bled into each other marching onwards through to spring.

Whilst all these changes were happening for me, the men of the house began to think that there was an issue, I'd already been diagnosed schizophrenic so while I was experiencing and writing down my nighttime knockings both my husband and my son were fearful that I might be slipping into another episode where I would disassociate from myself. With a fractured psyche normality is not something you experience like other people and disassociation can be quite dangerous if you aren't aware of what goes alongside it.

After exhaustive talks, both my husband and son insisted that I see my mental health team,this would involve a stay in a facility for a few nights so I could be observed at night.

The first night away I slept soundly,sedated and safe,the next night I was observed talking in my sleep,but listening to the recordings all I could hear was the words I wish over and over followed by mutterings that were nonsensicle,the third night though,I was observed getting up and staring at the wall whilst repeating I wish again with the mutterings. The Drs decided that I could well be at the start of another episode and decided that a change of medication would be benificial but to do that I needed to be weaned off the ones I was on and then start another programme of treatments. Heading home with my husband he held my hand and told me " We will get through this one too, don't worry"

Usually after a hospital stay I couldn't wait to get home,this time around, I felt like I was going to prison,I couldn't explain it but none of the usual warmth of home was appealing,it didn't feel warm anymore it just felt forced.

Pulling upto the house I looked up at the facia,cream walls,a tiled roof,plastic window frames and doors,it looked like hell. It looked like noone lived there even though I knew inside that people did,each step towards it felt like I was moving farther away from myself and closer to something that shouldn't be.

Inside my husband tried to fuss around me,that was the first time I growled,not an annoyed back of the throat sound but a deep full of rage growl,impatience and irritabilty and that was the last memory I have.

Diary entry:

I don't even know where to start,ever since we found that damn mirror,she's not been the same,just sits staring into space,not really seeing anything,muttering over and over I wish, she seems to come to at night says she can hear knocking and measures the pattern,I think she needs to go back to the drs.

That first day back home after the growl I went upstairs and ran a bath,sitting on the side of the bath I looked at my reflection and smiled,only I didn't,my reflection did. Lifting my hand to brush hair out of my face, my reflection did it too but with the opposite hand still smiling. Then came the eye contact and the calm.

Diary Entry;

She came back from the facility today,sort of,she growled at me when I approached her which is new,perhaps its a symptom and I should talk with her Dr. I'm not sure what happened but she had a bath later in the day and was in there for hours more than usual,when she came out she seemed like she was half asleep and she hadn't actually bathed at all,when I asked what she was doing she simply said "I was wishing"

After sitting in the bathroom for hours and staring at myself I ventured down to my bedroom and perched on the end of the bed staring out of the window but not seeing anything,just a towel round me and that was how my husband found me when he came upto bed hours later. Helping me into my pajamas he didn't talk,the whole time I moved but didn't acknowledge his presence,suggestable and maleable, I was dressed and helped into bed, when asked a question I responded, I was wishing.

Later in the night I was sat up in bed staring at the wall when my husband got upto go to the toilet,he jumped when he saw me sat there asked if I was ok all I did was blink,slowly.

When he came back in the room I was no longer in the bedroom,looking around my husband went downstairs to see if I had gone to the kitchen, there was no sign so he climbed the stairs and looked back in the bedroom,there I was sat up in bed still staring. Unnerved my husband approached and asked me if I was alright,the response,I was in a wish.

Diary Entry;

Last night I woke up and she was sat in bed staring,when I came back from the toilet she said she was in a wish. I'm not sure that this is like any other episode there's something else going on with her,talking to the Drs isn't helping they just keep telling me to bear with it and that her meds coming out of her system will make her behaviour seem odd. This is more than that,but I don't know what it is.

The next morning my husband found me in the bathroom looking into the mirror, coming into the room he could see my reflection only in the reflection he could see the lips moving,a small whisper tell me what you wish for....

Responding in a clear voice louder than the usual nonsensical mutterings "I wish my life had been different."

Then the reflection slowly turned and walked away,and as she walked I slowly faded away,I didn't hear my name being called,or feel the panic around the situation where I was ceasing to be.

Diary Entry;

I can't even begin to explain what I saw! She was in the bathroom today and she was having a conversation with herself in the miror then she just....vanished,but when I looked again she was still there! I think I must be losing my mind! All these weeks she had been changing and I didn't realise quite how exhausted I was with this all, that my eyes are playing tricks on me where my wife just seemed to vanish.

Think I may take a trip to the drs myself.

Each day there was a considerable amount of time where I would stand in front of the mirror muttering to myself,slowly diminishing as a person. Looking into the mirror and saying I wish and the mirror showing my reflection until three weeks after I came home from the facility there was a more dramatic change to the pattern with the mirror. Now when I was muttering the reflection was no longer smiling,it was sad and sometimes crying until I asked the fatal question of it, you know what I wish for,what do you wish? The reflection in the mirror replied.

To Be.

Once the mirror responded it switched. Not in temperament but quite literally, all of a sudden I found myself looking out on the room from a window.

Not a window from a house but from inside the mirror, I recognised me looking back at myself and then watched as I walked away from the bathroom and went downstairs.

Diary Entry;

There's something different today,she's snapped back to who she was.The person I first met was almost this carefree and the episode has passed without major incident of self harm or psychosis, spoken to the Drs. They have said this is encouraging progress and that enough of the meds are gone out of her system so they can now start the process of new medications. They think it will help.

I continued to watch from the mirror waiting for my reflection to come back,it rarely did, It walked with purpose,no confusion. There was no sadness or remorse that registered on it's face the way mine did. I could see why. For weeks I had been making wishes for all the things that I had not done or choices I hadn't made. I had been feeding my reflection with all my hopes I had had through out my life but through one choice or another theyhad not come to fruition. I had unintentionally freed an entity from within myself through the mirror, activated a portal and in doing so had restricted myself to guilt,fear and loneliness, seeing the more succesful side of me through glimpses in the mirror each time I fed it another piece of me would be absorbed into the mirror with a piece of that reflection replacing me until finally,with that question the entity had reached through for the last piece of my soul from this life and giving back something that I had wished I had been. Not an evil entity but a different version of myself now walked the world escaped from the mirror, yet it too remained incomplete.

I didn't sleep there was too much lost time to make up for,stopped eating and yet still functioned better than ever before. Forgotten projects were finished and yet no one noticed the complete change in me.

Diary Entry;I can finally sleep easy,the worst seems to be over she has even gotten to a point where she is completing things she left unfinished. She has said about putting the mirror back in storage as it creeps her out,strange how having just the right combination of medications can help reveal who she really is not what she thinks she is. I worry at times that she sees herself as some kind of monster,maybe that was what she was looking at in the mirror all this time, the parts of her that she feels but doesn't see.

No truer words were spoken. I had found the bits of me that weren't monsters,they were dreams,wishes. A complete version of myself where I had allowed myself to just be me but it had come at the cost of my core being and now I was stuck. Unable to communicate I had to wait for myself to come back to the mirror before I could try to reconcile with myself and change my situation,in the meantime every conversation,movement and descision was forming inside the mirror with me, as if misery loved company a new me was forming alongside me in the mirror. I couldn't fathom what was happening and yet the whole time I was screaming for my husband and son to realise it wasn't me in charge,not the real me, the reflected me. I fought hard to try and maintain myself in the mirror alongside the one forming next to me. Then I saw that the mirror was being moved. Packed away in storage. Desperate I tried to show myself to my husband all the while I was standing next to him smiling at my own useless attempts to break free...Unable to communicate I let my emotions take over and I started to cry,not silent tears, gutteral feral sobs that racked not only my body but my soul,so powerful that the glass started to bend outwards and crack. My reflection was no longer smiling beside my husband but crying too. The sudden mood shift caught the attention of my husband and he stopped what he was doing,he looked in the mirror and saw the crying turning around he caught up the reflection in his arms and held it while tears poured down its face. I could scream through the tears and the reflection covered it's ears and begged to make it stop.

My husband asked it to make what stop, two words responded,the shame.

Diary Entry;

She broke today, I thought that we were over the worst and yet here we are again, a shift in personality,I don't know what shame she is carrying or guilt because she won't tell me. It's almost as if she can't voice that anymore than she could her wishes. Didn't manage to pack the mirror away into the storage room I will have to do it tomorrow when I find the time. She seems to be sleeping but she had a frown on her face and tears fall from under her eyelids. If I only knew what was going on. What does she see in the mirror or in her sleep?

I could feel that I had wounded the reflection,it had cried at the same time I had,had felt the pain of those screams and sobs. There could still be a way back. A way to bring both me and my reflection back together if I continued to cry the reflection would have to come back to try and stop it.

At about 3:45am the reflection came into the bathroom and approached the mirror, it knew what I was doing and yet it couldn't do anything to destroy my reflection in the mirror,a symbiotic connection that had to be kept in order for the reflection to thrive the entity needed my residual self to be able to maintain it's being outside of the mirror.

I didn't understand why but a thought formed in my mind, You cannot be without me, I cannot be unless I acknowledge all of me.

A resounding noise like a penny being dropped onto a tile floor echoed throughout the frame of the mirror and then reached through to the reflection.

Then there I was looking back at myself, seeing myself from outside the mirror and looking back at me was my reflection,only this time,she didn't smile at me or mirror my movements as if I was standing behind her,there was no mutterings and no questions just peace, without another sound the glass shattered.

Diary Entry;

Last night the mirror broke,the weirdest thing happened before hand,we tried to pack it away and she started sobbing but it felt like it was coming from the very air in the room. She was standing in front of it when it broke,she looked in a state of shock like she had had a glimpse behind the curtain of something terrifying,when I asked her if she was ok she responded, I think I was stuck in a wish that became a nightmare.