Love as Consumption

I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. That inevitable crush. I knew as soon as I walked through the door, we’d have words — stern, unproductive words. The atmosphere choked me, the scent of Bolognese burned into the bottom of the pan reminding me why it’s best I do the cooking, and of the air of unfiltered bitterness that had been present for years.

Katherine called to me from upstairs. Her voice laboured by the seconds, minutes, hours, days spent watching and living the decline. She never sounded pleased for me to be home — more disappointed I hadn’t succumbed to my injuries after a near-fatal heart attack behind the wheel sent me careening off the road in my Mini Cooper.

But alas — no. I was still alive. Still in the marriage that affection forgot.

It wasn’t always like this. When we were younger, greener, we were passionate — full of lust for one another. She was quick, smart, curvy but balanced — the one who answered the question of who I’d spend the rest of my life with.

We spent time together — quality time. Phones down, television off.

Our conversations would start as a tête-à-tête in the dining room over homemade lasagne and finish in the bedroom, when we made it there.

I guess it was that we drifted apart. We didn't put the effort in that we did in the beginning.

Quality time was less frequent, in favour of binging shows and itch-scratching fucks.

The drifting eventually saw us drifting into divorce. “Just sign the papers, and then we can both move on,” she said so matter-of-factly that I didn't protest. Just signed and ended us.

...

_

“They are fools,” proclaimed my fellow as we watched with interest the drama. We were both fascinated with how human relationships succeeded and failed.

“Well, they stopped making effort. The young man said it himself. They drifted apart and stopped the rituals of affection they both fell for in the beginning,” I replied.

“Rituals alone are not a sign of true love. There has to be more. Rituals aren't always a sign of anything but guilt-driven obligation and box-checking.”

My friend felt sure of his opinion and seemed quietly enraged that I didn't share his pessimistic view.

“You're so naive. Join me as I show you something interesting and see if you maintain such a high view of rituals.”

His voice was as angry as it was slightly mischievous, as he knew I couldn't resist some kind of wager.

“I want to introduce you to Davina.”

He pointed down towards a young woman in her twenties, petite and athletic with an introverted personality.

“Attractive young thing, isn't she?” he smirked.

“That she is. Does she have a suitor?” I asked.

“Suitor... Are we still in the 1800s? At any rate, no. She has no male or female love interest. Yet.”

His smirk became more pronounced.

“I know that look. What are you scheming, old boy?” I asked, knowing it was unlikely to be anything good.

As we watched Davina buy a meal deal from the food store for one person and a small bottle of Chardonnay, I saw my man push his hand down, unseen, so that a tall, dark-haired chap stumbled up behind Davina.

He too had a meal deal for one.

“Ah, I see. The old dark and handsome trick. What of it? I'm sure he will sweep her off her feet and treat her to regular, unwavering rituals of affection, and I shall declare myself winner.”

Admittedly, I was feeling rather smug.

“Winner? But we are merely conducting a social experiment, are we not? Would you like to make it a little more interesting?”

My eyes sparkled at his astute question.

“You know me too well, old friend. What say we say this: if I am right and true love prevails with continued rituals of affection, you shall have to do obeisance to me. If not, you get to keep the female.”

“To consume. I do love a tasty female to snack on. It's a deal.”

...

_

I can't really remember why, but since the day he stumbled into me in the superstore, my life began to revolve around Kelvin — not Kevin, as I wrongly called him for the first three dates we had in quick succession.

He was attentive from the very beginning. He brought me flowers and paid for the meal. He never pushed for us to go back to his or go back to mine or go back to anyone else's. It was a marked improvement on what I had endured before in the dating pool.

By the second date, we were almost the best of friends. He picked me up, opened doors, pulled my chair out, ordered in French dinner at the restaurant. Made me feel special, like he wanted to take responsibility.

After a couple of months, we had moved in together, dear diary, and that is where you join our story. I am sorry I did not speak sooner, but I've been rushed off my feet — or should I say swept off my feet. This man knows me like no other, and I think within a couple of months of living together we will be wed.

...

_

“You see? Rituals maketh the relationship,” I gloated as we watched the young lovers.

“Don't be so hasty. Look what the good man is doing...”

...

_

I thought I saw Kelvin looking at you, dear diary. He claims innocence and that he was looking for a pen. I have no reason not to believe him. He brought me my favourite croissants from my favourite French-style patisserie.

I think he's going to propose soon. He wants us to go to dinner at the restaurant we went to the first time we went out and has been extra romantic. Talking about the future a lot.

...

Dear diary, the big day arrived. HE PROPOSED. I said yes, naturally. His proposal was so sweet and romantic. He took me to the top of the Seattle Space Needle and told me how much he loved me and how he couldn't wait to make it official.

I feel so loved and appreciated.

...

_

“I think you'll be on a diet and kneeling at my feet, old friend. As I suspected, this couple are solid,” I boasted.

“Don't be too quick to trust that hubris of yours, my friend. The story still hasn't reached its conclusion. I could still soon be sinking my teeth into her.”

...

_

Kelvin has been the model husband I thought he would be. He always brings me flowers or interesting trinkets he's bought when coming home.

We had a small incident recently. It was my fault. I never told him where I was going to be, and he got a little distressed by that. He has a point — he gives me everything I could want and more, and all he expects is to be kept informed and feel a part of the relationship, not just some mug that wastes all his money on me.

...

Dear diary, I am not really sure what's going wrong lately, but I keep upsetting Kelvin. One particular incident that sticks out is when I was home from work that day and was supposed to make sure his dinner was ready. He had bought me a new gas oven and wanted me to make him a roast dinner.

I was feeling ill that day, though, and decided to order some pizza, thinking that would be fine and he'd understand. Needless to say, he didn't.

He felt I was taking him for granted and all he did for me. He didn't hurt me, but we did almost come to blows. Well, he raised his fist and smashed a mirror.

He blamed me for that too.

...

We made amends and had a romantic weekend away in Corfu. We had recently learnt that I wouldn't conceive, and he took me on holiday to help me get over the sadness — which was really sweet. Until it wasn't. All weekend he was quite aggressive. Not just with me but with everyone else too, which made it embarrassing.

He also got talking to a Grecian woman whom he said would be a good surrogate mother. I thought he was going to ask over breakfast if we could work out a plan to have a baby with her help. Only he announced that while I was sleeping, they had “done the deed.”

I was horrified. But he made me come around to the idea by explaining that it was one of my ultimate dreams to be a mother and this way it would be possible.

I can't erase the past, and he's already done the deed. It was an act of desperation, and like he tells me, he does so much for me and gives me so much.

...

Athena has moved in with us until she has the baby, because Kelvin thinks it's the best way to ensure the transition is smooth.

I did wrongly question his motives and was out of line to suggest he just wanted her to be close so he had easy access to her.

He reminded me of all he does for me. Which is fair, because he has started making me breakfast in the morning and takes care of the housework when I inevitably need to have a mid-morning nap.

Everything has been a bit fuzzy lately, but he doesn't mind filling in gaps in my memory.

Though it does upset him that I sometimes forget just how much he does for me.

...

Athena has been finding it hard to settle into the change in weather. However, Kelvin has kindly been spending a lot of time with her — especially at night. It makes me sad, but he reminds me it's for our baby. The baby I've always wanted. I am far too tired to argue. He works so hard for us all. Athena is very demanding, so I don't really know how he copes with her.

...

I... can't actually remember what I was going to say to you, dear diary. Everything has moved along at such a breakneck pace, and I don't know how, but I feel I am being pushed aside for Athena.

...

_

“Well, my good man... I told you to be careful of your hubris. Kelvin was diligent in practising rituals of affection for Davina, and look how that turned out,” my good fellow argued.

“Fine, you win. Enjoy your tasty snack,” I conceded.

“I intend to, old friend. I'll save you her collarbone to chew on, as I know you love that.”

...

_

*

Thanks for reading