Her Quescénnoia
Quescénnoia—the feeling of the quieting of the mind, absence of sensory interpretation and construction of meaning.
Antonia only liked people on rare occassions. Usually when there were restrictions in place, like in libraries, where the expectation was that one's mouth would mostly remain shut. Or in movie theatres, where the same unspoken rules applied. Parties were abject torture, unless she was able to secure the a wallflower and pluck them from the rest. It was likely she would remain holed up in a far corner of an upstairs room for the remainder of the evening, discussing everything from Greek philosophy to 14th century textiles, until it was acceptable to return home.
It wasn't that all people were inherently disagreeable, it was more that the society she lived in, wasn't exactly built for people like her. She was different. Her brain was different. Something as simple as the sound of someone chewing or the soft hum of the lights made her want to crawl out of her skin. The feeling of returning home, away from the buzz of the city and constant chatter, allowed her synapses to finally rest. To stop firing on all cylinders. To stop interpreting. To find her center, her quescénnoia. Free of the assault on her senses, she was left with the clear seas of mind, calmed of their raging waters.
About the Creator
E.K. Daniels
Writer, watercolorist, and regular at the restaurant at the end of the universe. Twitter @inkladen
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More stories from E.K. Daniels and writers in Fiction and other communities.
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She was wearing that green dress when I first saw her, five years ago to the day. Flowing meadow fabric draped over long legs, thick auburn hair flowing down her back. That smile. Of course, she is still beautiful now. But now she is no longer alive.
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She Smiled Every Day, But No One Asked Why
She smiled every day. Not the kind of smile that demanded attention. Not wide or loud or dramatic. It was small, polite, practiced—something she had learned to wear the way people wore shoes before stepping outside. Necessary. Expected. Invisible. People loved her smile. They said it made her look strong. What they never asked was why she needed it so badly. Every morning, she stood in front of the mirror and adjusted her face before adjusting her clothes. She lifted the corners of her mouth just enough. Relaxed her eyes. Smoothed the tiredness away with habit, not rest. The woman staring back at her looked fine. Fine was convincing. Fine was safe. Fine meant no questions. She had learned early that sadness made people uncomfortable. When she was younger and cried too openly, adults told her to be grateful. Friends told her to stay positive. Strangers told her others had it worse. So she stopped explaining. She stopped sharing. She stopped crying where anyone could see. Instead, she smiled. At work, she was known as reliable. The one who stayed late. The one who listened. The one who never complained. When stress filled the room, people leaned toward her calm like it was something contagious. “You’re always so strong,” they said. She nodded. Strength, she learned, was another name people used when they didn’t want to look closer. At home, the silence was heavier. No one asked about her day because she answered before the question could form. “It was fine.” Always fine. The word filled the space like furniture—useful, unmoving, impossible to trip over. At night, when the world quieted, the weight returned. Thoughts she had carefully avoided all day lined up patiently, waiting their turn. What if this is all I am? What if no one ever sees me? What if I disappear slowly and no one notices? She lay awake, staring at the ceiling, counting breaths instead of dreams. Her phone buzzed often. Messages asking for favors. For advice. For reassurance. Rarely for her. She answered anyway. Smiling emojis replaced honesty. Short replies replaced explanations. She became fluent in sounding okay without being okay. People loved that about her. The breaking point did not arrive with drama. It arrived quietly, like everything else. One afternoon, while standing in line at a café, the barista looked at her and said, “You’re always smiling. You must have a good life.” It was meant as a compliment. Her chest tightened. For a moment, the words stuck in her throat. A thousand truths pressed forward, desperate to escape. But the line moved. The cup was handed to her. And she smiled. “Yeah,” she said softly. “I do.” That night, she cried for reasons she couldn’t fully explain. Not loud sobs. Just tears that came steadily, without urgency, as if they had been waiting patiently for permission. She cried for the girl who learned too early how to hide. For the woman who had become invisible behind her own kindness. She cried because she was tired. Tired of being strong. Tired of being easy to overlook. Tired of smiling when no one asked why. The change began with something small. The next time someone asked, “How are you?” she paused. Just for a second. “I’m… managing,” she said. The words felt dangerous. Honest. Real. The person nodded and moved on. Nothing collapsed. No one panicked. The world continued. Something inside her shifted. She began to notice how often people used her strength as an excuse not to care deeper. How easily smiles were mistaken for happiness. How silence was confused with peace. She started journaling at night. Not pretty words. Not inspirational quotes. Just truth. Messy and unfinished. Some nights she wrote only one sentence: “I needed someone today.” One evening, a friend looked at her differently. “You seem tired,” they said. Not accusing. Just observant. She almost denied it. Almost. “I am,” she admitted. The room did not fall apart. The friend did not leave. Instead, they listened. It wasn’t a miracle. It didn’t fix everything. But it mattered. She realized then that being seen wasn’t about being loud. It was about being honest with the right people. She did not stop smiling altogether. Smiles weren’t the enemy. Pretending was. She began letting her smile rest when it needed to. Letting silence speak when words failed. Letting herself be human instead of admirable. Some people drifted away. Others stayed closer. That told her everything she needed to know. One morning, standing in front of the mirror again, she noticed something new. Her smile looked different. Softer. Less forced. It didn’t appear on command anymore. It arrived when it wanted to—and left when it needed to. For the first time, she didn’t adjust it. She left the house as she was. Later that day, someone asked, “Are you okay?” She considered the question carefully. “No,” she said. “But I’m learning.” The words felt like freedom. She still smiled some days. Other days, she didn’t. And slowly, gently, she learned this truth: A smile can hide pain—but it can also return once the pain is finally allowed to speak. And maybe the real strength wasn’t in smiling every day. Maybe it was in letting someone finally ask why—and staying long enough to answer.
By Inayat khan5 days ago in Fiction
Comments (4)
Wow. This is incredibly well done. While I'm not quite as anti-people as Antonia, I do enjoy the moments alone to clear my head, so to speak.
a brilliant capture of the neurodiverse experience! beautifully written, as always :)
Omggggg! Antonia is me! Exactlyyyyyyy me! Loved your word and story!
Great. Now I thought you were in my room for a minute 😂