No One Said it Would be Easy

I know I wasn't promised a rose garden, nor was I ever told the road would be less bumpy for me. As a matter of fact, I knew without a doubt from a young age that my life would be a hard one to live. A product of the seventies, raised on the streets of the eighties, and lived through the harsher reality of the nineties.

Now, here I am, it's 2026, and I'm facing something I swore I'd never put my children through. It's something I've worked so hard not to do. The big D word. D - I - V - O - R - C - E.

Since I left my husband in August 2025, things have been looking up. My daughters and I are buying two houses together. We've survived a winter storm. My eyesight has improved enough that the optometrist ran the test twice to be sure. My heart effraction rate (EF) has risen to 25% (3% rise), and I'm celebrating this improvement. My anxiety has improved, and I'm not a nervous wreck anymore.

I've started dying my hair again to cover the gray. My youngest and I go shopping and buy a new shirt or pants now and then. I've even bought a few things for the house, which felt good knowing no one would tear them up or break them.

I'm finding myself all over again. It'll take time, I know it. There's a lot of healing to do. I think I like who I'll find.

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There are days, though, when I don't think I can do this. Days that I wonder if I did the right thing. Lonely days, when the good memories rise to the surface, reminding me of who he was when the mask was on. On these days, all creativity leaves my soul, as I dig my will in, standing firm in my resolve that I will never allow anyone to do me that way again.

The odd thing is, right after I have one of these days, he will show up. Just to say hi and see how we are doing. Of course, it's to see if there's another man here or not - ulterior motives always play a role with a narcissist. After only being with him for 32 years, he has become so transparent.

Well, the last few days have been hard. Real hard. After six months of being separated, I had hoped to be better about all this than I was. I'm not. Even though I was the one who initiated the separation and divorce, there is 32 years of shared history with the man that I have to sort through and file away.

What made the last few days the hardest? Oh, yeah, I'm getting there. I keep babbling along, but I'll get to the point of all this soon enough. You'll see why I'm taking so long. I promise.

Anyway. Down to the nitty-gritty. The wrongness of February. The month of lovers is being shoved down my throat. Everywhere I turn, that's all I see. Cupid this, Cupid that. Love, engagements, and marriages.

I'm positive I'm not the only one who screams Bah!!

Even worse than all the lovers, yes, it gets worse, is the fact that my ex's and mine anniversary is on February 10th. So all these memories. Of anniversaries without gifts for one reason or another. Of Valentine's with just a teeny-tiny box of chocolate as a gift. Me, always overlooking, thinking it's the thought that counts. My gifts, finally just becoming decent meals, usually his favorites. If I didn't receive anything, why should I spend extra on him?

All those years wasted by me, on holding a relationship together, just so my kids could be raised by both parents, unlike I was. Thinking that would be better for them than leaving. Biting my tongue, trying to keep the peace, so they never see us fighting. Overcompensating for his lack of effort.

So on February 10, I took the first step in taking back my life. The beginning of a new journey that will change my life, hopefully bringing back some of the old me that wasn't completely wiped away. Bonding to the new me that has formed, to create an even stronger me than was before. Maybe.

So, what did I do on this day, to take it back as MINE? Well, I received my divorce paperwork and took it straight to the notary. Once I had it notarized, I immediately sent it back to my lawyer. Firmly, completing my end of our marriage, in my mind, on our anniversary.

Now, if he doesn't contest the divorce and just signs, then it should be finalized shortly. Seeing as I am not fighting him on anything and am giving up my rights to several things, I don't see why he would fight it. But he is unpredictable.

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So while everyone is out there hoping for some gift from their Valentine, just know there are those like me. Wishing that they were single for Valentine's Day. They can't get out of their relationship fast enough.

Also, just because you think you know someone, it doesn't mean they won't change. People wear masks, and people change. Lovers can become strangers almost overnight for many reasons.

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** No one should ever stay in an abusive relationship. In a perfect world, there wouldn't be abuse, but the world isn't perfect, and since it isn't, if a relationship shows the signs of physical abuse ONCE, LEAVE. Don't stay. Things usually do not ever get better. Do not ignore signs of "silent abuse": narcissistic, financial, verbal, and emotional. If they don't respect you and keep disrespecting you even after you ask them to stop, leave. **