VIRAL SCARS

Should I say I made a wrong choice

All my life, I've always believed in humanity and dedicated my page to expressing my love for different people across different walks of life. I've had brand deals come in from different brands that prioritize inclusivity and collaborated with influencers of different races. I built an empire leaning on voices I swore I wanted to elevate. I used the right words, followed the right pages and I spoke the "truth".

Everything went perfectly well, life was a bed full of roses with a few thorns here and there but there was nothing I couldn't handle, little did I know, I was about to face the biggest storm of my life

A late night ramble sent to an old college friend, one I forgot still had my number. I was tired, emotionally frayed and speaking from the ugliest part of entitlement I didn't know I still had. I still ask myself, "why did I say those words, was it to gain pity from her? to make her hate me or envy me less? to be the good guy? I'm still dumbfounded.

There the words came out ' Sometimes its exhausting, like everyone wants me to obsess over these non whites just to prove that I'm not problematic' Ten seconds, That's all, it took ten seconds of feelings I didn't know I harboured in me. It wasn't rage, It wasn't anger.

By morning the internet had sunk its teeth inside me with viral hashtags; #lanaunfiltered #perfomativeactivist #missiloveeveryonelied. My followers dropped, brands withdrew, sponsors vanished, but none of these could compare to the disappointment my best friend Tamara felt which I could fathom from her one line text 'wow'.

I wanted to explain but even my apologies felt curated, my words that once stood for truth and equality turned into lies and taunts. So I logged out, with my head blank and with no solution in sight'

First I needed to get my best friend back. I called Tamara and pleaded she hear me out for old time’s sake, she agreed. She said to give it time as the news was still fresh off in the hearts of my followers.

Weeks passed, months passed, I isolated myself and reflected on what had happened, I always thought to myself, why did I ever have such thoughts. I knew deep down I wasn't racist, Tamara begged me to go see a therapist and I did. I tried so hard to forgive myself but what about the scars I had left on my followers, they’ve loved me without condition. You can delete a post but you cannot delete the scars it left

Then came the silver lining........

A message from Tamara, no words, just a flier: a fan meeting. I went. Quietly. Alone.

Her final words stopped me cold. In the presence of over 12 million people watching live, a big screen displayed videos of our charity works with timestamps that showed the date. I never posted any of them, they were done just as a gesture by me and Tamara, then she said " everyone makes mistakes, everyone has and will make mistakes, being an influencer does not exclude one from emotions, sometimes emotions can be overwhelming and we cannot control them, Lana is an example, she has always been a symbol of truth and her voice has spoken to so many and touched the heart of so many, why shut her out for a mistake?, does she not deserve a second chance?" I was in tears, I don't deserve all this, I am a terrible person, I wept so hard, embarrassed with no makeup on but I didn't care, I wanted my life back, I wanted my followers back, I realized that their love had kept me going all this while. Tamara brought me on stage, sweaty and teary eyed, I apologized to everyone, I vowed to be sorry till I breathe my last, was I exaggerating? definitely not, I was genuinely sorry.

I logged back in, started all over. Brands called me back to renew contracts, but I turned them down, I needed to earn back the trust I shattered, I needed to be worthy of my followers love before I took another step. I made sure to apologize at the beginning of every vlog. Slowly and steadily, the hate comments disappeared, I could feel the love they had for me slowly return.

There were still videos of my scandal everywhere, blogs still brought it up a few times but I knew I deserved every bit of hate. After all, THE INTERNET NEVER FORGETS.

My name is Lana Rivers and this is my VIRAL SCARS