Even If

Dark Memoirs - Index

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.”

— Philip K. Dick

“There are grey spots in your memory. It will deteriorate over time.”

I replayed the audio clip again and again.

My doctor had warned me about the potential deterioration of my memory. Just a system that was failing — one that needed correcting — is what I heard.

“I would suggest that you prepare for significant memory loss within the next five to ten years.”

Reading this, you may consider it arrogance or stupidity that I would not stop my dutiful course of cleansing and eradicating those who volunteered themselves for the betterment of society. You may even be right.

But. No.

The reality is that nothing should stand in the way of my mission.

Not even my declining health.

I have done my job properly, ensuring my anonymity is almost unquestionable at this time.

And so — you want to know something else?

Even if I do suffer complete memory loss, or make a mistake and wind up dead in the gutter or in my bed, with caked-on faeces and urine around my genitals and arse — so be it.

My infamy will live on, and people will have to solve the puzzle of my mission and its many pieces. Only then will they learn of the devastation I’ve been causing for decades — undetected, uncomplicated by trivial things like the law, or better yet, law enforcement.

It’s a moot point. I’ll be dead. No one will be able to answer for my legacy.

Even if the pieces of the puzzle can be found and put back together, there will still be no justice. No bodies. No closure.

I have accounted for every eventuality. Even if I can’t prevent my deterioration from happening, or control when it will occur, I will still win.

So if you’re sitting there reading this retrospectively — having stumbled upon the motherlode of all cold-case investigations — I take great pleasure in disappointing you and your (I’m guessing) small but loyal group of podcast listeners.